Are You Tired of Non-Committal Partners? This is What You’re Missing
How to define intentionality and avoid wasting your precious time with the wrong people
Outside of abuse or toxic behavior, the worst kind of partner to have is one who isn’t committed to a future with you. The relationship is uncertain, unclear, and doesn’t seem to be headed anywhere.
You’re both just “playing” out your roles.
And you get stuck in this cycle of hoping things will change, but as time goes on, you realize they’re not interested in a legitimate relationship with you.
You waste time, money, and energy on people who don’t deserve it. Worse, you’re missing out on dating someone who will actually give you the time and day you are worthy of.
I wanted to expand on this concept of “intentionality” because it’s VITAL to relationship success. I wrote about this several weeks ago here in this story called, This is When You Will Know They’re the Right Person for You, but I didn’t have the space to adequately cover this one topic in one story.
There are four key standards to have:
Are you sexually and emotionally compatible?
Are you in agreement with important life choices?
Are you growing together?
Are they intentional about being a partner?
This fourth ingredient, intentionality, gets overlooked too frequently. It’s what’s missing in most people’s search for success in dating and relationships.
Why?
People are too focused on fleeting things like chemistry and connection. Or they think love is all about chasing the “spark.”
One step above that is compatibility, growth, or shared values. This is better than just going off of an elusive feeling, but it’s still not enough.
Because they still find themselves in unfulfilling or short-lived relationships. Everyone talks about love, sex, values, and growth in relationships — but few stop and ask:
Is the person I’m dating even intentional about being a partner?
Intentionality is the conscious decision to act in ways that build a relationship. Without it, even the best compatibility or chemistry falls apart. Compatibility and chemistry are just the foundation.
Being intentional isn’t hard to figure out. It’s about being a partner to someone else. It’s more than “wanting.” It’s about making conscious choices that build relationships.
In a simple way, it’s like “I like the idea of having a girlfriend, but I don’t particularly care about being a boyfriend.”
What happens when you date intentional people
Intentionality is more than a noun. You have to do it. The result of intentionality is a consistent practice of healthy relationship behaviors.
But the effort is a reward in itself. Longevity and satisfaction for both partners.
When you have a partner who is intentional about being one to you, you’re not stuck in this “guessing game” of a relationship.
Will they text me back?
Will they plan something if I give them the opportunity?
Is there ambiguity in the status of the relationship?
A relationship will feel easier to navigate, more seamless and less frustrating than one with someone who avoids reciprocation. An intentional partner will prioritize you and the relationship.
You’re not just an afterthought to them.
How to spot intentionality (or lack thereof)
From one of my earlier stories:
Always audit their behavior. Behavior tells you everything you need to know. Forget about how you think or feel about them. Screw the fantasy or the idealized version of what you want them to be.
You are in a relationship with their behavior.
You don’t have to do much. Just observe, because right now isn’t necessarily the time you must enforce boundaries.
Actions speak louder than words:
Do they make an effort to follow through on plans?
Do they ask meaningful questions and take an interest in getting to know you?
Do they respond to challenges in the relationship in a positive way?
Are they growth-minded and open to solutions?
Does that person show up consistently emotionally and physically?
Are they planning dates and initiating intimacy of their own volition?
Do they compromise and do they prioritize the relationship?
Passive or unintentional behavior:
Do they disappear, deflect, dismiss, or avoid important conversations or challenges in the relationship?
Are they quick to cancel or change plans?
Does your partner frequently show up to dates late or distracted?
Are they more focused on short-term pleasures like sex or fun but seem uninterested in something deeper?
Is there a look of indifference or lack of effort on their part?
Do they only engage when it’s convenient for them?
Moving forward
You can’t force someone to commit to a relationship, but you can’t expect commitment and not practice it yourself.
Always be a committed, intentional person yourself.
Manifest it in your own life by first being that to yourself and your partner. I was in therapy a while back and I told my therapist I had a date after the appointment. I often get overzealous in my approach and make too many “first moves.”
All that does is cause more problems. But she said to think of it like chess. Make my move and let them make a move. And to observe their reactions or their behavior.
This is one way you can “slow down” and closely monitor any potential red flags or deal breakers. Practicing this is a dead giveaway as to whether they’re intentional about a relationship.
Because if they do “nothing” you WILL know.
So don’t settle for someone with merely a pulse who’s “just there.” Don’t entertain people who aren’t willing to match your level of investment.
How non-committal girlfriends affected me
I’ve dated many women, and most of them enjoyed the “fun” parts of the dating experience. Sex, companionship, validation, dining out, movie night, etc…
There’s no doubt I’ve spent thousands of dollars dating. Countless hours were invested in girls who were only along for a temporary ride. They knew it, but I assumed dating meant “relationship.”
To find out that your investment and commitment to someone who was not willing to be that for you is demoralizing and disheartening. Frustrating.
Because it calls into question a load of self-doubt.
Is there something wrong with me? I’m I to blame? Am I not “good enough?” What if I did this differently, would they stick around?
But even at the times we’ve labeled the “relationship”, that’s all it was. A label. Not a commitment.
For example, I will admit that I “jumped the gun” with the last important relationship. We met on a dating app and started dating after talking for a week.
As the days progressed, she said, “I’m not talking to anyone else right now.”
I wasn’t either, or there was a soft agreement to exclusivity. I say I “jumped the gun,” because I asked for commitment way too early, but I felt pressured by her constant comments of “I really want to move out of this city” and “I want to go back to school.”
Anyway, somehow, we agreed to a “relationship,” and even at some point she said something like “I think we’re already in a relationship.”
But this was followed with “I don’t want you to think of me as your girlfriend, just think of me as your ‘Julie’” about a week later.
Outside of that comment, her behavior did not show her to be a committed partner. Consistent flaking, tardiness, and her general attitude did not lead me to truly believe she was intentional about actually being a partner.
We planned a dinner date at least a day in advance and talked about it that morning.
Then she canceled a few hours later stating she was “ill.”
What’s interesting is that she planned to go out of town the following day — and she did. So, it seemed more like she canceled because she didn’t want to “use up” her free evening with me. She often changed plans, especially at the end during the “discard” process.
Those comments about school or moving are clearly in direct opposition to prioritizing a relationship. Which is probably why I felt anxious and emotionally drained from that “relationship.”
While the partner in my longest relationship ultimately proved to be unintentional about working things out, at least most of her behavior showed she was intentional about a relationship, even if it was superficial or out of obligation.
Early on she invited me to events, she planned dates, and my fiancé gifted me heartfelt cards. Eventually she “went the extra mile” to quit her job, move back to our city to live with me, and get a new job.
My ex did the wedding planning too. All of that was a lot of work for a relationship.
Her commitment made me feel that I mattered to her. But that doesn’t negate the fact she still abruptly quit the relationship when she felt overwhelmed.
She waited until AFTER she ended the relationship to voice all her problems. By the way, if you’re ever trying to figure out if someone avoids communication, a particular sign is their “easy-going” nature.
Commitment is 99.9% if the time is still eclipsed by 0.01% when someone ultimately quits. But that relationship still beats out dating experiences in which it’s evident they don’t care. Like the one with “Julie.”
Conclusion,
Love, chemistry, and compatibility are important to long-term relationship success, but none of this is possible without a partnership in which both people make conscious choices to build something.
If you’re not with someone who cares enough to make an effort, you’re wasting your time.
Enjoy what you just read? 🌟 This is just the beginning! Subscribe to my premium newsletter for more exclusive content, deep dives, and personal updates that I only share with my paid subscribers.
Your support not only lets you access more of what you love but also helps me create more amazing content.
Upgrade now and become part of our closer community.