How Apathy Masquerades as ‘Go With the Flow’ in Dating
The approach you need to take for less relationship anxiety
“I’m just going with the flow.”
You ever hear anything like that? Or have you been the one to say it?
On the surface, it sounds like a great thing, because it sounds positive at first, like it leaves room for possibility.
But it also feels like an avoidance tactic.
There’s an implication of openness, but the ambiguity behind it is frustrating. And here’s the truth, someone who says this is telegraphing their fear of commitment.
The question you really have to ask yourself: are you actually in a flow state, or just avoiding?
And what do I mean by “flow state?”
I wrote an article recently that I consider this to be a follow-up to.
Dark Truth: Most People Are Controlled by Their Overactive Ego
In short, the ego plays a role in shaping our personalities. It’s often the source of anxiety, fear, and other emotional reactions. The ego is a necessary tool, but in response to trauma, the ego becomes overactive and dysfunctional. As a result, people attempt to exert unnecessary control over their lives.
In relationships, dating, business, careers, friendships, and other personal ventures. This undue influence breeds fear and insecurity.
Perfectionism, social anxiety, and fear of uncertainty manifest as coping mechanisms.
I introduced a new concept in that article influenced by Alan Watts, who advocated for delegating control to others and life itself. Because when you relinquish control and “go with the flow,” you trust that life has your best interests at heart.
But… this “delegation” of authority in life, is not to be confused with being aloof, avoidant, apathetic, or detached from life.
It’s not about creating a life or relationships where we’re distant, disconnected, and afraid to truly engage. It’s time to look closer at what we really mean when we say we’re “going with the flow.”
In relationships, there are three distinct ways people approach life and their connections:
Attachment (Anxious): People with anxious attachments are stuck on specific outcomes. They want things to go a particular way and often feel preoccupied with how things will turn out. They’re hyper-focused on getting validation from their partner and worry about whether things will work out or not. In some cases, they might come off as desperate or needy. They’ll chase their partner by bending or molding themselves. People-pleasing, constant contact, and anxiety are typical symptoms.
Non-Attachment (Secure): Those with a secure attachment style are okay with whatever outcome comes their way. They feel confident in themselves and the relationship, whether it progresses or not. They aren’t overly fixated on controlling the outcome but remain engaged and present in the process. When I’ve found myself in “pockets” of secure attachment, I’ve noticed a difference. How I handle things by setting boundaries is different from reacting to my partner. Proactively setting boundaries made me feel more grounded, confident, and less preoccupied with controlling the outcome. For example, I remember when I voiced my disagreement when a partner was rude to me on the phone. At that moment, I didn’t internalize the guilt or let my anxieties dictate my responses. I trusted that whether the relationship continued or ended, I would be okay.
Detached (Avoidant): People who “just want to go with the flow” often reside in the avoidant category. You see, the tricky thing with avoidants is that their emotional aloofness can be confused with secure attachment. They’ll claim to be open and flexible, but the truth is, they’re emotionally unavailable and reluctant to commit. Often, it’s an attitude of “I don’t care.” And it WILL show up in subtle ways in their behavior. This detachment prevents them from fully engaging in a relationship, as they don’t care much about where it’s heading or the emotions involved.
Their apathy will manifest in a few ways: inconsistent communication, flakiness, tardiness, ghosting, minimal effort, or lack of accountability.
The prevailing advice these days is to “detach” and you’ll attract everything you want, but this is a verb. To detach means to be in a state of non-attachment to life. Letting it flow through you and delegating things to other people and life itself.
It doesn’t mean to be completely detached. Detachment disguises itself as “laissez-faire” or being carefree, but those who reside in this realm of detachment are apathetic and emotionally unavailable.
True non-attachment isn’t any different from Alan Watts’ suggestion to delegate life’s outcomes like the human body does to all its processes. Trust that things will unfold as they’re meant to.
But there’s a fine line between delegating life and using the phrase “I’m just going with the flow” to mask avoidance or indifference. Many who say they are “going with the flow” in relationships aren’t truly delegating life’s outcomes. In some ways, they’re just as attached to an outcome as the anxious-preoccupied person is.
The difference is, they’re hoping that they can avoid vulnerability and intimacy. Whereas the anxious person desperately seeks to have their desire for intimacy fulfilled.
Final thoughts,
As mentioned, this common phrase, “going with the flow” creates the illusion that the person you’re dating or even friends with is “down-to-earth,” “relaxed,” or “chill.”
But this is often not the case.
To accomplish this idea of “go with the flow,” ultimately, you have to disregard your own wants and needs. Because rarely do people always get along or always see “eye to eye.”
This fear and insecurity around being vulnerable breeds resentment. And here’s the thing, if they’re always going along with everything, is that really an authentic connection? Unlikely.
True non-attachment and “flow” involve genuine engagement with someone else. Whereas with avoidant behavior, there’s a distinct lack of emotional investment.
Also, think about this, when individuals say they are “going with the flow,” they might unintentionally shift the responsibility for the relationship’s success or failure onto their partner or external circumstances.
True non-attachment involves acknowledging one’s role in shaping the relationship while being open to whatever outcomes may arise.
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