How Compromise Becomes Self-Betrayal in Relationships
Knowing the difference between these two things is key to the health and longevity of a relationship
Compromise is “supposed” to be the foundation of love and connection. But it’s not. This word has been so warped and twisted that the true definition of compromise is completely lost.
Compromise can and will backfire — if you do not use it correctly.
I learned this the hard way from my ex nearly two years ago.
For years, she was “understanding.” She always bit her tongue, going along with things she didn’t actually want. I didn’t think much of it, I figured she was easy going and was okay with everything.
But at some point, I felt like something was off, and one day, I told her, “I won’t be attending our wedding.” What I really wanted to say was, “I can’t marry someone who is neglecting this relationship.”
We went to therapy to work it out, and when I thought we were making progress, out of nowhere she completely discarded the relationship.
She laid it all on me: years of silent resentment, built up from compromises she never spoke about. Somehow, I was now the villain in her story because she’d been “suffering” silently while making all those one-sided sacrifices.
That is not compromise.
It was self-sacrifice disguised as compromise, and it killed our relationship.
The devestating effects of one-sided compromise
This is real compromise:
Compromise: noun (dictionary.com)
a settlement of differences by mutual concessions; an agreement reached by adjustment of conflicting or opposing claims, principles, etc., by reciprocal modification of demands.
Real compromise doesn’t mean losing yourself in a relationship.
After it ended, I found myself in a slew of short-term flings. I let women ignore and disrespect me just not to be alone.
I thought bending over backward would make them stay, and to some degree, I figured they would love me if I contorted myself for them.
I’d tell myself that I was being “understanding” or “patient,” but the truth is, I was just too afraid of being alone.
By the time I realized what I was doing — letting things slide or putting myself in sub-optimal circumstances, I was slowly eroding my confidence and self-worth.
And the more you let your boundaries erode, the less trust you have in yourself, and the harder it can be to get out of bad situations.
Compromising your own standards or morals comes at the cost of your time, self-respect, and your sanity or inner peace.
As I mentioned, over the years, I would find myself tolerating behavior I could never imagine accepting in my current life.
Why people feel compelled to self-abandonment
In every relationship, there was always something new I had to learn that was draining my energy.
With my ex-fiance, I became resentful because I felt like she had free rein to do whatever she wanted, which included extended absences and frequent food delivery orders that drained our finances. At the end of our relationship, she blamed me for how often she ordered from DoorDash with her own money, as if I was forcing her to make those decisions.
In a situation like this, neither partner addresses the elephant in the room. It’s like neither person is “okay” with what’s going on, but no one dares to speak up. Then the problems just escalate. That’s what happened here.
Then months after that relationship ended, I found myself dating another chick who was incredibly avoidant. It was so bad that she wouldn’t even open up to me about anything. About all I knew was what she did for work, what her name was, and what she liked to do on the weekends.
I accepted that “situationship” that never really met my needs. In two months, we only saw each other a handful of times and I only got laid about four or five times.
That was a very unfulfilling relationship, but I let it happen because I thought, hey, it’s someone right? I can’t complain…
In hindsight, it’s quite apparent that I was still quite “raw” from my previous ex, which is why I let that situationship happen.
What I’ve noticed is that people are most tolerant of crap when they are “emotionally vulnerable” or their emotions are compromised. They go along with things that shouldn’t be acceptable just to not be lonely or sad.
Months later, I met someone else, but I found myself doing things just to “prove” my worth. One night, she invited me to her friend’s home.
We were playing one of those “adult” card games that involve couples… Each card prompts someone to do something more ridiculous than the last.
Everything seemed “low-key” until I did something I’m not proud of.
Before I knew it, I was stripping down to nothing and dancing around the room while she watched, fully clothed. I wasn’t even drunk. I was stone-cold sober, but I was doing it anyway.
No one forced me to do it. I can’t even blame her or anyone else, but in a weird twisted way, I thought I’d win her over. It was “just a game,” but in the back of my mind, I knew I was crossing a line that I shouldn’t have.
I betrayed my self-respect for someone who, as I came to discover throughout the months, didn’t actually care about me. Again, no one forced me to do this; it wouldn’t have mattered if I had ignored the card, but this is what people think is “compromise.”
It’s the same reason why people ignore red flags or “go with the flow.” To them, they think it wins them points or earns them a badge of honor. It’s something that they can use as leverage down the road.
And frankly, it’s a childish, immature mindset. But all that’s happening when one does this is self-abandonment.
Hell, even right after that instance, I found out she had kids AFTER I slept with her. I overlooked that this person had omitted her status as a single mom with two kids.
I typically consider single moms to be deal-breakers for me, but out of obligation, and unhealed grief, I stuck around for several months. I justified all this with, maybe I’m being too rigid or uncompromising. It can’t be that bad right?
Why you should not abandon yourself
However, the more you compromise or let things go unsaid, the more you lose yourself. And the truth is, NO ONE CARES if you abandon yourself. Even your closest friends and family members will not be there to pick up the pieces for you when you give up everything to everyone else.
And this is what I’ve noticed:
Since I’ve healed from that last long-term relationship with my fiance that left me emotionally devastated, boundaries have been easier to set. That, and I tolerate things for less than I used to.
Because when you are grounded and in the right headspace, setting limits with others is not as frightening, nor do you feel compelled to act out of desperation.
So here’s the truth, compromise, when done right, should make both people stronger. But when you knowingly let things slide without a word it doesn’t bring you closer.
It just gives you something to blame when things fall apart.
These relationships, regardless of the length, forced me to confront the truth: Boundary-setting doesn’t just protect your emotional and physical well-being — limits also encourage and foster self-respect.
Tired of second-guessing yourself in relationships? Setting boundaries is not only confusing, but intimidating. My Boundary Setting Cheat Sheet simplifies this process with easy to follow IF/THEN statements you can implement immediately. If you’re ready to take the first step toward a healthy relationship, check out the cheat sheet here on Gumroad or consider upgrading to a premium membership here on Substack to gain instant access.
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