How Fear Affects Relationships (And What You Can Do About It)
Are you misinterpreting fear when you could be using it to your advantage?
How often does it interrupt your love life?
You’d love to be vulnerable and commit, but something stops you from diving right into it. Fear.
That primal emotion conjures up all sorts of “uncomfortable” sensations. Rapid heartbeat, shortness of breath, tense muscles. Most people interpret this as a “stop sign” and dip out of relationships or string people along to avoid commitment or intimacy.
But there is something you can do about fear of commitment or vulnerability.
The first step is knowing where this fear originates. It likely came from early trauma or other familial attachment issues which create avoidant-anxious dynamics.
Avoidants retreat in the face of intimacy
From experience, the avoidant partners I dated always appeared secure and confident when I first met them. That’s what initially attracted me to them.
Most of the time, things go great at first. I think you know what I mean. You meet someone new and you have fun getting to know each other. You experience new things together.
That’s the honeymoon phase.
But things tend to change…
As intimacy grows you may notice a change in their demeanor or their attitude. Your avoidant partner starts to distance themselves. Maybe they text less frequently. They seem colder, or something just feels “off,” but you can’t really explain it.
Their initial comfort in surface-level connections is misleading. Because you’re left wondering What the fuck? when they pull away.
As an example, the previous person I dated showed all the signs of someone “eager” to deepen a connection. Until this happened:
She sabotaged it. One day my “girlfriend” said to me, “I don’t want you to think of me as your girlfriend. I just want you to think of me as your ‘Julie’.”
A few weeks later I noticed a very slight, but noticeable change in her demeanor and she pulled away and left.
Without spending too much time describing it, she certainly had a fear of deeper intimacy. It was evident from the relationships she had prior.
Her reaction to commitment was fear or anxiety. You could argue that she wasn’t “interested” in me, but emotionally mature people will normally show enough respect to people to tell someone they are “not interested” before things get too “serious.”
This was fear, plain and simple.
For the avoidant, this is what goes on in their head: You’re too close, I need to dip out right now!
Anxious individuals chase intimacy in a toxic way
People with an anxious attachment style treat fear a little differently.
They don’t necessarily get flighty in response to the fear of commitment or vulnerability, but they have their own behaviors.
As someone who’s studied attachment theory, I’ve identified my attachment issues to be closer to someone who’s preoccupied with what my partner is doing, and this creates anxiety.
This is why I typically find myself gravitating — even if I don’t want to — to emotionally absent women. The chase is exhilarating, and getting caught up in someone else is a convenient distraction from my own emotions.
This is crucial to understand. Anxious preoccupied individuals get their fears of abandonment or loneliness triggered and try to mitigate their fears by seeking closeness. Not distance.
It’s a stark contrast to an avoidant’s reaction. They’ll pull away.
In addition, this fear usually leads to some kind of people-pleasing or suppressing of their own feelings because they do not want to lose their “person.” That fear of abandonment causes anxious individuals to over-invest or attach themselves too quickly.
For the anxious person, fear is Don’t Go!
Attachment behaviors aren’t black and white
Attachment theory and its explanation of fear-based behavior is well-thought-out and researched, but the downside is that it puts people in “neat little boxes.”
It’s a limitation that science, psychology, or philosophy faces. Life isn’t so black and white. There’s a lot of nuance involved in relationships. In attachment theory, everyone tends to have a bit of overlap when it comes to the different classifications.
And people react in unique ways.
For example, while I have a predominant anxious attachment, I exhibit avoidant tendencies in the early phase of relationships.
I can be a bit standoffish or guarded. Especially with strangers or new connections.
For me, fear shows up early on — which certainly is similar to anxious patterns, but these are more “avoidant behaviors” — standoffish-ness, hesitancy, or reluctance.
It’s more of an early protective measure. I’m trying to gauge trustworthiness or who’s safe before opening up. As the relationship gets deeper I am “all in.” I’m not immune to fear, but it has a lesser hold over me.
The whole point is that you often have to navigate or approach fear from different angles because people are more nuanced than described in a book or a video.
Anxious-Avoidant dynamics:
These fear dynamics in the Anxious-Avoidant paradigm cause most of the problems in relationships. One person is afraid to say what’s on their mind. Or the other one dips out when conflict arises or there’s talk of marriage or greater commitment.
Whatever it is.
It’s a toxic, dysfunctional push-pull situation.
When the avoidant withdraws, the anxious one clings tighter and chases. Afraid of intimacy, the avoidant pulls away and it exacerbates the problem. Soon, they’re stuck in a terrible cycle of fear and suffering.
Fear is not the final destination
Whether it’s the perceived fear of engulfment (loss of independence) or being hurt from a committed relationship, fear is misinterpreted as a sign that it’s “time to stop and turn around.”
But this is not what the feeling of fear is for. It’s not meant to influence your decision-making. Mostly because this kind of fear is not based in any kind of reality.
You’re not being hunted by a tiger, falling off a cliff, or facing death or injury in a relationship. You’ll know when fear is warranted in any situation, including a relationship.
Excluding these circumstances, intimacy, vulnerability, commitment, and other basic relationship requirements are not “scary.”
This all made more sense to me after I read Mastering Fear: A Navy SEAL’s Guide, by Brandon Webb.
He was a Navy Seal who faced several tense situations, including a showdown with a group of Afghan fighters in 2002. Their position was completely fucked, but they made it out alive.
Nothing was stopping their enemy from wasting them in the ravine they got caught in.
“I feel something shifting inside. Certain blood vessels constrict, others dilate. My palms suddenly feel cool, yet moist with sweat. Tiny hairs on the backs of my arms and neck stand at attention. My mouth is dry, my hearing suddenly more acute. I can practically feel the release and surge of epinephrine as my adrenals fire off their liquid torpedoes… This is fear. And I’m about to use it… We get right up in their faces, as if we were the ones with the upper hand here… Were we afraid? You bet your ass we were. That was what saved us.”
Fear is not a sign to stop. This is the moment you take action. What avoidant (and anxious) people interpret as danger is the perfect opportunity to grow as a person.
Instead of pulling back, lean into tension.
Does this mean you need to fight guerilla fighters or do dangerous, risky things? No.
But if you want to succeed in life or relationships, you have to start taking a few risks. In this book, he breaks down “mastering fear” into five steps. The goal isn’t to ignore or loathe fear, but to use it.
1. Be more intentional. It’s time to decide to decide.
People who avoid important discussions or making decisions ultimately suffer from this first part. People fear decisions because they doubt their ability to handle the consequences of that choice.
In their head, if they think they don’t make a choice, they won’t have to deal with it, but from experience, avoidance has a “nasty” habit of catching up to you.
Like the time I randomly bumped into the same girl, Julie. The one who pulled away. Instead of “ripping off the band-aid,” she avoided me by leaving without an explanation.
Naturally, I was not pleased with seeing her, and she only prolonged a tense situation between us that could have been resolved months prior.
So… you’re gonna have to be more intentional. “Decide to decide.” Enough farting around.
As my boss once said, “Shit or get off the pot.”
2. Prepare for emotional risks through rehearsal
Securely attached are less inclined to avoid conflict. In the face of challenges, they would prefer to choose healthier resolutions. As such, they’re going to “rehearse” healthier responses.
Instead of running away, their goal is to repair the bond with their partner.
Avoidants and anxious people see fear and react impulsively and without thinking—or too much thinking.
With avoidants, they rehearse their exit strategies. All their energy goes into this than solving the problem.
Avoidants, however, tend to mentally rehearse their exit strategies rather than engage in problem-solving. They feel emotionally overwhelmed by conflict and intimacy, and instead of confronting their feelings, they start planning their retreat.
In my experience, my ex-fiancé did this. At some point, close to the end, she confided with my mother about our “difficulties.” She told my mother she has a “legal right to remove herself from our lease.” I never knew about this until AFTER our relationship.
It was clear she rehearsed and premeditated her departure. All that effort is in running away instead of conflict resolution.
Avoidants, like my ex, often put more effort into avoiding conflict or intimacy than in dealing with the underlying problems.
3. You must let go of your story around fear
For anxious individuals, it’s not always necessary to control every aspect of the relationship.
I used to get so mad when my ex would act obstinate and stubborn about spending time together. Because I was preoccupied with everything about the relationship. Naturally, when things didn’t go my way, that triggered my anger — which is just a mask for things like fear or grief.
Deep down I was afraid that I would lose her or things wouldn’t work out how I wanted them to.
But if they pull away… let them!
As you know, chasing rarely works. It’s unattractive and pushes people further away. I get that uncertainty, regardless of the circumstance is frightening, but life itself is uncertain.
If you say what’s on your mind that’s important to the relationship and they leave. Good. That person wasn’t meant for you.
With that risk comes a greater reward of connection.
4. Jump off and take more emotional risks
Once you’ve decided to be intentional, you’ve rehearsed how you will approach things — such as a crucial conversation, and let go of the outcome, you’re ready to “jump off.”
A leap of faith.
You have to take the risk. Maybe they might react poorly, maybe they say no.
But what’s worse? Limbo or the relief of facing a decision?
The problem is most people wait until the fear subsides to do anything. That’s the WORST time to have a conversation or to jump off. For example, when “Julie” kept on talking about how she was going to move away or go back to school, I had about enough of it.
We had been dating for just a few weeks and I wasn’t too keen on getting to know someone only to have them move away or prioritize other things. One day I got sick of it. She was mentioning her plans for the thousandth time and I asked her, “Where does that leave us? I want to have a relationship with you.”
Probably wasn’t the best time to ask for commitment, but despite my fears and anxieties about asking her to be mine, I did it anyway. I didn’t know what she was going to say. But we all have our limits, and I was sick of being in limbo with this person.
It worked out for a few more weeks until her fears were triggered, but I’m glad that I ripped the band-aid sooner rather than later.
5. Clarify your priorities. Get crystal clear on what matters.
Because I know what’s important to me. Love. Connection. Intimacy. Consistency. Continuity. Honesty. Growth.
That sort of thing.
But fear — when it’s potent, clouds a lot of things. It’s a default state for many people and overrides many things. Including love. Avoidance in itself causes people to disconnect from their values when they’re focused on evading their emotions.
It’s quite simple.
You better get clear on what’s important to you. Even if you have to write it down or get knocked down several times before you realize what it is that’s important to you in love.
As we wrap up,
Remember that relationships aren’t without their risks. Rejection, loss, and other conflicts are part and parcel of relationships.
Mastering — or rather using fear, helps us build deeper, healthier, and more fulfilling connections.
Take time to reflect on how to use fear to your advantage.
Make a decision.
Rehearse.
Let go.
“Jump off.”
Get clear on what’s important.
It’s not foolproof, but if you follow this process regularly, you will grow.
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