How to Deactivate Your Insecure Attachment Style
Stop the 3 am anxiety spirals and text monitoring - these techniques teach you to respond rather than react to relationship triggers
Avoidants and anxious partners often act like emotionally constipated teenagers — driven by their childish, immature attachment wounds.
But your dysfunctional relationship patterns are not set in stone. It’s possible to change.
What life is like when you don’t heal your attachment wounds
Imagine being stuck in a cycle of toxic relationships — attracting the same partners over and over again, just with different names and faces.
At first, you think (after moving on from an old relationship and into a new one), “This time, it’ll be different.”
But it never is.
Soon, the old patterns creep back in.
Every disagreement turns into a fight that spirals out of control.
If you’re anxious, you beg for reassurance because you’re afraid they’ll leave. If you’re avoidant, you shut down hoping the problem disappears on its own. But it never does.
Or you feel jealous when your partner spends time with other people.
I know you know it’s irrational, but you can’t help but constantly check their social media, and their location, over-analyze texts, and create worst-case scenarios in your head.
But it doesn’t matter what you do though, the fear of abandonment never leaves.
You replay conversations
You obsess over their tone in a text
What did they mean by that emoji?
Are they losing interest? Do they hate me?
To cope, you turn to distractions — doomscrolling, emotional eating, binge-watching, overworking, chasing validation online, or worse — you cheat (to create distance or to numb the pain).
Your relationships aren’t thriving, and at best you’re treading water.
When it finally collapses, you repeat the pattern like you did at the start, telling yourself it’ll be different this time.
You’ll be smarter. You’ll pick better.
So you tighten your standards, get pickier, and become even more selective with who you give your time to.
Maybe you think if you vet harder — if you wait longer and avoid “wasting time” on the wrong people, you’ll finally break the cycle. But in reality, you’re just building higher walls — not healthier relationships.
Unfortunately, this doesn’t work, and you waste the best years of your life repeating the same mistakes.
Even worse if you’re married (or about to be).
Your attachment wounds will cost you thousands in divorce fees, split assets, alimony, child support, emotional devastation, and all the other hidden costs.
You’ll wonder how you didn’t see the red flags sooner — how you could have avoided this mess if only you had understood yourself better.
😞 This is your life when your attachment wounds control you.
But it doesn’t have to be this way.
The measurable results of deactivating your attachment
Healing your attachment wounds leads to real, measurable, and tangible differences in your behavior.
1. Response times to triggers decreases
📊 Measure: Track how long it takes you to calm down after an emotional trigger like a delayed text or an argument
❌ Before: It could take hours or even days to recover from an emotional spiral.
✅ After: Within a few minutes, you can recognize the trigger, self-regulate, and move forward without obsessing.
2. Reduced frequency of chasing or ghosting
📊 Measure: Count how often you reach out for reassurance (like asking “Are we okay?” or compulsively checking their status updates).
❌ Before: You check your phone 20+ times a day for validation or withdraw for days after conflict.
✅ After: You check in with your partner once and trust their response. Or, if you’re avoidant, you no longer disappear after minor conflicts.
3. Decrease in unnecessary breakups or makeups
📊 Measure: Track how often you end or rekindle relationships impulsively.
❌ Before: Frequent cycles of breaking up in moments of panic and regretting it later.
✅ After: You communicate effectively instead of making rash decisions, leading to more stable, longer-lasting relationships.
4. Improved relationship longevity & stability
📊 Measure: Compare the average length or stability of your past relationships before and after doing the work.
❌ Before: Relationships tend to crash and burn after a few months due to anxious or avoidant tendencies.
✅ After: You build relationships that last longer than 3 weeks, with fewer chaotic ups and downs.
5. More time & energy for personal growth
📊 Measure: Audit how much of your mental bandwidth is eaten up by stress fueled by your attachment style.
❌ Before: You spend hours replaying conversations, overanalyzing texts, or dreading abandonment or commitment.
✅ After: You’re able to focus on your career, hobbies, or new skills, leading to real personal growth.
6. More balanced social life
📊 Measure: Look at your social life. How much of it is devoted to interests outside your relationship?
❌ Before: A major portion of your mood and schedule revolves around your partner’s availability.
✅ After: You build and maintain strong friendships and interests independent of your romantic life.
7. More effective communication in conflict
📊 Measure: How long does it take to resolve disputes with a partner?
❌ Before: Fights drag on for days or even weeks because one person shuts down or the other clings harder.
✅ After: You address issues in one or two focused conversations without resorting to passive-aggressiveness or withdrawal.
In the whole story, you’ll learn how to start rewiring these habits so you can build real, secure connections and live free of the suffering of insecurity.
Here’s the full breakdown.