If the Dismissive Avoidant Man Were Honest, He’d Say This (And What to Do About It)

Real-life insights from someone who has some tendency to dismiss and deflect

Image created by AI tool Freepik,

I often write about how my predominant anxious attachment style has affected my relationships, but you might be surprised to find out that I also have some dismissive avoidant tendencies.

Because attachment patterns aren’t all black and white. Most people show a mix of all of them. But it can largely depend on the situation or the relationship.

While attachment theory does a great job of explaining relationships at a higher level, it’s not the end-all-be-all.

Personally, even I don’t live my life analyzing every interaction through the lens of attachment.

Though I do keep it in the back of my mind. Sometimes I find myself wondering, “What’s her attachment style?”

Not to diagnose, but to understand how we might connect better.

So, if you’ve ever dated a dismissive avoidant (DA) man, or perhaps just a DA in general, this is for you.

But let’s be clear. Any particular attachment style isn’t exclusive to one gender. There are dismissive avoidant women, fearful avoidant men, and all sorts.

I’ve dated multiple women with a wide range of different personalities and behavioral differences. Some were fearful-avoidant. A few others were more dismissive. It just depends.

(Someone even wrote a comment on one of my stories from my other blog. She explained why she had let go of her fearful avoidant boyfriend. So, to reiterate this behavior is not gender-specific)

Yet this can’t be overlooked. Societal expectations and gender roles in Western Countries expect men to suppress their wants, needs, vulnerabilities, and their emotions in favor of what others want from them.

This exacerbates any dormant attachment wounds. As such they end up as ‘lone-wolves’ or ‘tag-alongs’ in their own relationships, when they should be stepping up and taking charge of their relationships with women.

By the end of this, we will have a clearer understanding of how dismissive avoidant behavior manifests in men and how they manage romantic relationships.

With that out of the way, here’s a quick rundown of how the dismissive-avoidant man shows up in relationships.

They’re the typical ‘nice guy.’ They never rock the boat, never say anything out of character, nor are they all that expressive. But they operate in extremes.

One minute they can be charming, nice, and compassionate. The next minute they can explode in a fit of rage after silently letting resentment eat them up from the inside out.

You might start to notice they operate in extremes with their boundaries.

They’re either too loose or too rigid in how they set limits with themselves and others.

Their nice, easy-going facade can only hide so much.

Deep down, they fear abandonment and feel ashamed for it. Often, this manifests through a variety of survival or coping mechanisms (avoidance).

Some telltale signs of a dismissive avoidant man you will notice on a date:

They gravitate to surface-level topics like,

• Work

• Hobbies

• School

But he avoids deeper conversations or topics that include things such as:

• Emotional needs

• Relationship goals

• Childhood or family dynamics

(It is important to note there’s a time and place for every topic. Just because he’s not going down a rabbit hole of deep emotional topics on the first date doesn’t mean he’s avoidant)

He may try to lean into his nice guy tendencies and use a “friends first” approach with you. He could very well be sexually or physically expressive, but when it comes to anything else, he’s incredibly shy.

But if he were honest about his intentions and his feelings, this is what he’d say. And this is how to deal with this situation.