If You’re Frustrated They’re Not Meeting Your Needs, Here’s Why
Family ties often get in the way of healthy relationships
You met her and thought, “Finally, a real woman.”
She had the résumé: a degree in accounting, a great job at her dad’s mortgage firm, a condo, a sweet rescue dog, drives a BMW, and charms the hell out of everyone she meets.
On Saturday and Sunday morning, she does yoga, then walks into her favorite cafe in skin-tight leggings and her sports bra, and orders oat milk lattes while she reads Brene Brown to relax, but outside of that, she’s also got this interesting hipster vibe you didn’t know about.
Initially, she looks independent, driven, and emotionally intelligent. She doesn’t ‘need anyone,’ but still chose you.
That kind of energy is intoxicating to a man who wants someone “real.” It makes you feel like you’ve finally met someone who can hold her own, but still has space for you.
You didn’t see it yet, but the signs were there.
Because behind all that curated strength, she never emotionally left her parents’ house.
You were her weekend getaway
At first, the connection was magnetic.
The sex was electric. Unfiltered. Like nothing else you’ve ever experienced.
But something always feels… off… distant, almost.
Like there’s an invisible wall around her heart you’re never allowed to breach and it’s hard to pinpoint what it is because you’ve already met her friends and gone on weekend trips together, but you’re still torn between “this could be it” and “I just don’t know if this feels right.”
Then it all starts to make sense…
Her family was the real relationship
“The enmeshed families created by such parents are a stronghold against their fear of individuality. A child’s individuality is seen as a threat to emotionally insecure and immature parents because it stirs up fears about possible rejection or abandonment.” (Page 159)
—Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, Lindsay C. Gibson
About a month later, you meet her parents.
Her mother is a little intense and is occasionally passive-aggressive and manipulative toward her at times, but besides that, nothing seems off since her mother is nice to you. At least.
Her dad doesn’t say much. He sits there on the couch with a beer in hand and makes an occasional grunt, but when he speaks, you notice she stiffens like she’s 12 again.
Later that evening, when you try to bring it up:
“Hey, I noticed how your mom talks over you. Doesn’t that bother you?”
She snaps: “That’s just how she is. I’m used to it.”
You didn’t notice it at first, but like clockwork, every time you go out, her mom will literally call at least twice. Maybe more. And she can’t go one weekend without talking to her mom.
Most of her decisions had to be cleared with her dad, and family dinners weren’t optional, even when you had plans.
Then one night you invite her over for dinner and decide to tell her about your long day, but she’s zoned out, staring at a text from her dad about how to fix her brakes, even though she already has a mechanic.
One night, you’re in bed with your arm around her as she scrolls through the family group chat, laughing like a kid at the dinner table.
And it hits you.
You’re sleeping next to a woman who never emotionally moved out of her parents’ house.
You felt it when she prioritized their comfort over your relationship’s health.
She canceled your weekend trip because “something came up at home.”
Her mother volunteered the family without asking her first.
In private, she said:
“I know we planned a trip for our one-year anniversary. My mom already told everyone I’d be there. She’s been planning my cousin’s bridal shower for weeks, and she’s stressed about getting everything ready. I don’t like it either, but my mom needs me. And you wouldn’t understand, we’re just close. I can’t just abandon her now. You know how she gets. We can do our trip next weekend, it’s just one day.”
If you meekly go along with it (while resenting it), you’re teaching her how to treat you in the future. That it’s okay when the relationship takes a backseat to what her mommy and daddy want.
You’re training her:
Every time you “understand” and reschedule, you’re reinforcing that your needs are negotiable.
Your silence teaches her that family non-emergencies treated as emergencies trump relationship commitments.
She learns she can guilt you into compliance with “you know how my family is.”
You can say: “I understand it’s family, but we planned this months ago. If you cancel our anniversary for a shower, you’re telling me where I rank in your priorities. I won’t be rescheduling. This is important to me.”
It shows:
Her family’s needs > your relationship.
She can’t say no to Mom. What else is she unable to say “no” to?
Your milestone gets bumped for family convenience.
Your expected to just accept it like a “good little boy.”
If she still refuses to stick with you here, go on the trip by yourself.
“I planned something special for US. You chose your family obligation. I’m still going to celebrate. With or without you.”
With immature, avoidant people, your job isn’t to convince them to change their minds or be with you. Let them do their thing and choose how you will react.
She says no. Instead, she chose family harmony over relationship integrity. She’s showing you that she’ll sacrifice your needs to avoid disappointing her family.
This cannot be tolerated.
Not because she can’t reschedule, but because she’s establishing that your relationship milestones are less important than her family’s convenience. That’s the pattern that will define your entire relationship moving forward if you accept it.
It’s a loyalty test, and she failed it.
Book the hotel, pack your bags, and go. Post pictures of yourself having an amazing time, and before you go, tell her, “Thanks for freeing up my weekend. I needed this solo time anyway.”
Obviously, this would more than likely induce a huge amount of conflict and tension. But that’s okay. What’s more important? Your dignity or her comfort?
She might say she loves you and wants a future together, but it’s clear that you’re not the center of her life.
You’re more like an extra.
As much as you love this person, it’s time to have a talk.
The conversation to change everything
It happens on a Sunday afternoon. You’re sitting in her apartment, watching a show while her mom calls for the third time that day.
You pause the TV.
“I need to say something,” you tell her.
She looks over, concerned. “Is everything okay?”
“I’m not trying to fight,” you begin, keeping your tone calm. “But we’ve been doing this for months now, and I don’t like where it’s going.”
She shifts in her seat. “What do you mean?”
“Every time we’re together, your mom calls. When we visit your parents, your whole mood changes. And when I bring it up, like I did the first time I met your parents, you get defensive.”
She folds her arms. “So now I can’t talk to my mom? That’s ridiculous.”
You stay steady. “No, of course not, I didn’t say that. I’m not saying you can’t talk to your mom. But I need a relationship where there’s room for both of us. Where I’m not competing with your parents for attention.”
“I want a relationship, not just a space in your life that exists around them.”
Her eyes dart away. She doesn’t respond right away.
Then softly: “That’s not fair. They’re my family.”
You nod. “I know. And I respect that. But if this is the dynamic you want to keep, I can’t do this anymore. I can’t keep pouring into something that makes me feel like a background character.”
She’s silent now. Blinking quickly. Her heart is racing.
“So… what are you saying?”
“I’m saying I love you and I care about you, but I just can’t keep doing this version of us.”
And you mean it.
The next day, you leave, not because you’re angry, but because you’re choosing yourself for once.
If you’re enjoying this so far, but want a more serious and effective approach to dating avoidants, setting boundaries, and communicating your needs, I recommend downloading my boundary-setting guide here.
The truth you don’t want to hear
Most people won’t want to admit this.
You weren’t her person. Her family was because she never grew up; she just grew into a woman, got a degree, a job, and moved out. That’s it.
Her emotional world is still her childhood home.
And you’re like the high school boyfriend from two blocks over or the science-class crush she grew up to sleep with. You’re the guy she says she loves, but won’t make a real effort for.
You’re replaceable.
She might let you cum inside, but she’s not someone she brings inside.
And it’s not that you haven’t done enough to light up her world, it’s just that when she already has an emotional attachment like the one she still has with her parents, it’s impossible for her to make you the primary relationship of her life.
We can often blame ourselves when someone doesn’t prioritize us, but it’s rarely the fault of the individual being ignored.
Unless she cuts the umbilical cord, rewrites her emotional loyalties, and stops playing daughter, you will never be her priority.
You could end up as her fiancé, her husband, hell, even the father of her children, but when it really came down to it, you know she’d always pick them over you.
In a life-or-death decision, you’re not her most important person. Not even second.
She doesn’t know how to choose a partner because she only knows how to do what her parents want her to do. They did this to her.
Peel back a layer, and you’ll see that a family like this is extremely dysfunctional. Her father is a workaholic, and her mother is stuck at home running the household. She doesn’t have a purpose outside of that, so she spent years turning your girlfriend into her confidante instead of raising her to be a woman.
She doesn’t have real practice thinking for herself, following her own passions, or living life the way she wants to.
Her degree, her career, and the lifestyle she has were never truly her decision. It was her father’s. He wanted a son, but instead he got a daughter. Though he wasn’t going to let that change his plans of passing the family business off to his child.
She hates math and numbers; she really wanted to be an artist.
That’s why she has to talk so much about being “independent,” because she’s not only trying to convince you, but she’s trying to sell herself a lie that she’s a grown woman who makes her own choices.
But she still asks Daddy to do her taxes for her while she’s off partying with the girls.
That’s why she says she wants love, but flinches when it requires prioritizing someone over her bloodline.
And the worst part is, you were probably the best thing that ever happened to her. You made her life better by showing consistency, presence, and authenticity.
When she’s finally “ready for love,” years later, it’ll be some other guy who doesn’t really love her and only tolerates her because her family has money.
But by then, you’ll be long gone. And she’ll regret it.
Understanding enmeshment as an invisible red flag
“Remember, emotionally immature parents relate on the basis of roles, not individuality.” (Page 61)
—Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, Lindsay C. Gibson
Enmeshment and codependency with family are among the most overlooked red flags in dating.
We assume that close family relationships are automatically healthy, but from personal experience, that’s often not the truth.
I’ve seen it all. Dated 23-year-olds who were still dependent on their parents financially and emotionally. All the way up to 40-year-old women who drifted through life and let family emergencies dictate their time.
When someone is enmeshed with their family, it creates a massive obstacle to building a real relationship because they don’t have a severed tie energetically.
There are no boundaries, and they feel obligated to prioritize family over everything else. Especially you.
It’s this “frozen-in-time” quality where the family system essentially refuses to acknowledge that people have grown up and changed, or should have the space to do so.
It’s even more telling when they stay geographically close.
They can easily slip right back into those old patterns every time they interact with family; it’s like they’re constantly being pulled back into an earlier version of themselves.
The family keeps treating them as the role they played at 15, and unconsciously, they keep responding from that place.
There’s a lack of critical thinking or individuation when someone has never been encouraged or allowed to question family narratives, form their own opinions, or make decisions independently.
Those muscles don’t develop.
It’s not that they’re incapable; it’s that the family system has actively discouraged or punished that kind of independent thinking.
“Aging without evolving”
Everyone gets older, but the emotional and relational patterns stay locked in place.
New challenges are approached with the same old dynamics, and nobody seems to notice or question why things feel stuck.
The signs you’re dating someone who never left home
Constant communication: Multiple calls, texts, video chats, or in-person visits from family members daily. Especially during your time together. It’s not about occasional check-ins. It’s a refusal of the parent to let go and an inability for the adult child to set boundaries.
Decision paralysis: Can’t make basic decisions without consulting family first. From career moves to weekend plans, everything needs parental approval.
Emotional dependence: This one’s huge. Not good. They share intimate details of your relationship with family members, turning them into emotional crutches instead of developing intimacy with you. Often, if there’s a problem your partner has with you, instead of talking to you about it, they go to their parents or someone else. Problems don’t get resolved, and now their nosy family is getting involved in your business.
Boundary confusion: Family obligations habitually or always supersede relationship commitments. Date nights get canceled, trips get postponed, and your needs come second to family demands.
Defensive reactions: Any attempt to discuss the dynamic results in accusations that you’re trying to “break up the family” or that you “don’t understand” how close they are.
Why this matters more than you think
The person you’re dating may look like they have their life together — good job, nice apartment, seems independent. But emotional maturity isn’t measured by external achievements.
It’s measured by their ability to form healthy, boundaried relationships.
When someone can’t differentiate between being close to family and being controlled by family, they’re showing you that they don’t know how to prioritize.
And if they can’t prioritize you in dating, they won’t prioritize you in marriage either.
The cultural trap
In many cultures, questioning family loyalty is taboo.
You’re expected to embrace the “when you marry someone, you marry their family” mentality.
But you’re two adults capable of making your own decisions. You’re not teenagers. You don’t need a family council to validate your relationship.
I’ve watched people stress themselves into anxiety trying to win over their partner’s family, compromising their own values and needs in the process, and it’s mind-boggling how many people place their partner’s family approval above their own relationship satisfaction.
What you can do right now
If you recognize these patterns, you have two choices:
Have the conversation: Address the dynamic directly. Focus on how it affects your relationship, not on criticizing their family. Be prepared for defensiveness.
Walk away: Let them be the way they are. If they can’t or won’t establish boundaries, accept that you’ll never be their priority. Don’t waste years hoping they’ll change.
Remember: You’re not trying to eliminate their family from their life. You’re trying to create space for your relationship to exist independently.
Why this happens:
Immature, toxic parents have always been around. The thing is, though, technology is the force multiplier that’s turned age-old dysfunction into 24/7 enmeshment.
Previous generations had clearer boundaries out of necessity — you moved out, got married, and had limited contact. Now, “closeness” is valorized without understanding healthy boundaries.
There’s an early thesis I’m working on, how there are definitely some generational patterns that make this more prevalent now.
Baby Boomers → Millennials:
Boomers were the first generation to start embracing “involved parenting.”
They overcorrected from their own neglectful/absent parents.
Created the “helicopter parent” phenomenon.
Made their kids the center of their universe in unhealthy ways.
Delayed their kids’ independence with constant involvement.
Gen X → Gen Z:
Gen X parents are often even more enmeshed because they’re reacting to being “latchkey kids.”
They’re determined not to repeat their parents’ emotional unavailability.
But they’ve swung too far in the opposite direction.
Parents are literally following their kids’ lives 24/7 with Facebook, Instagram, and Life360.
Before smartphones, when you left the house, you were actually… gone. But now Mom can text/call/FaceTime whenever she’s having “a moment.”
Family group chats, hell, even work group chats, mean you’re never really disconnected from family drama or work.
I think social media has also been a huge culprit for amplifying so much dysfunctional behavior. It creates pressure to respond immediately and to perform the “close family” image.
Previous generations had a natural separation built into life. You moved to another town, had limited communication, and there were clear life stages.
Now technology has eliminated those boundaries, making unhealthy dynamics more invasive and persistent.
The dysfunction was always there, but now it has unlimited access to your adult life.
People are either equipped for real relationships or they’re not.
The person who’s always available but never really invested is showing you exactly who they are in other ways, too. The problem is that most people miss the signs because they’re so focused on trying to make it work.
I’ve identified 14 specific red flags that avoidant people display. Behaviors that tell you everything you need to know about their capacity for real commitment.