The Reason Why Boundaries Are the Hard Code of Healthy Relationships
Boundaries don’t limit love, it protects it
Most relationship problems I’ve seen in others and even myself, could have been avoided with limits. Here’s the deal, I’ve been through enough shit in relationships to see that the lack of boundaries was inviting chaos.
Boundaries aren’t going to make things worse they’ll mitigate most relationship problems.
But I noticed I wasn’t looking at the behaviors of my partners objectively. So I struggled to actually set limits or entirely cut out relationships. I was confused as hell because I was making decisions based on how I felt.
I get that it can be hard to set limits because you are afraid of rejection or how someone might react, but remember, your job is not to worry about how they feel. That’s the other person’s responsibility.
If they get angry, that’s too bad. Since I was sick of second-guessing myself, I decided to just delegate boundary-setting to “IF-THEN” (“IF-ELSE”) statements like in programming.
It kind of takes out the “guesswork” or the reluctance to set limits with what you’ll tolerate from people. When limits are pre-defined (as they should be) and connected to their behavior, setting boundaries is more effortless.
When you set limits, the terms are set and it’s on them to change.
Setting boundaries isn’t really any different from writing code. Except this time it’s real life and it’s your relationships.
You define specific conditions (“if”) and attach outcomes (“then” or “else”) based on how those conditions are met. This sets clear expectations for how other people should treat you.
The input (like pressing a button) triggers an output (like turning on a light), and setting boundaries dictates the consequences (good or bad) for when people meet or violate boundaries.
IF is the input, the condition — what the other person is doing.
THEN/ELSE is the output, the consequence — what you will do as a result of a boundary being met or violated.
I’ve created some standard IF/THEN statements you can use when setting boundaries in relationships. The key is to verbally express boundaries before it’s needed. It’s vital to clearly express your boundaries, because this is where their strength lies. A limit isn’t much of a limit without the other person knowing.
Because they can’t read minds.
In most cases, if people meet your wants and needs (boundaries), you can assume a “THEN” to mean this: you’ll continue to invest in the relationship.
Otherwise, I created unique actions you can take regarding boundaries being violated or not met. I’ve written them in a way that clearly states to your partner that there are direct consequences. You’re not messing around. You’re serious about your needs being met.
To start with, I’ve provided examples that are likely to be encountered. Further on, you’ll read about the four types of boundaries that are essential for relationships.
Boundaries with Exes
IF they maintain close friendships with their exes without discussing it with me, THEN I will firmly express that transparency is non-negotiable. I’ll clearly state what behaviors make me uncomfortable and, if they continue to prioritize those friendships over my comfort, I will reconsider the future of our relationship.
Compromise
IF they refuse to compromise on important matters (e.g., time with friends vs. time together), THEN I will communicate that relationships require mutual give-and-take. If they consistently prioritize their own needs over mine, I will stop accommodating their needs and reassess whether this relationship is sustainable.
Effort and Initiation
IF they never initiate plans or make an effort to see me, THEN I will stop being the one to initiate and observe their level of interest. If they still show no effort, I’ll walk away from the relationship because I refuse to be the only one invested.
Handling Conflicts
IF they avoid discussing conflicts or issues, THEN I will tell them that avoiding difficult conversations damages the relationship more than the issues themselves. If they continue to shut down or refuse to communicate, I’ll disengage and reconsider the relationship, as I need a partner willing to resolve conflicts openly.
Trust and Honesty
IF they lie or withhold information, THEN I will confront them about trust and honesty, making it clear that I cannot continue the relationship without transparency.
Time and Commitment
IF they are consistently late or flake on plans without rescheduling, THEN I will stop making plans with them and communicate that I won’t invest time in someone who doesn’t respect mine. If this behavior continues, I will question whether this relationship is worth my effort and prioritize my own time and well-being instead.
The four types of relationship boundaries
Physical Boundaries
IF they invade my personal space or dismiss my right to privacy, THEN I will remove myself from the situation immediately and reconsider whether this relationship can continue without mutual respect for personal boundaries.
Emotional Boundaries
IF they use the silent treatment, ghosting, or stonewalling during conflicts, THEN I will disengage entirely and make it clear that if this continues, I will no longer be emotionally available in the relationship, and eventually, it will end.
Sexual Boundaries
IF my sexual needs are consistently ignored or unmet, THEN I will openly express that this is causing resentment and dissatisfaction. If my partner is unwilling to work on meeting my needs or communicating about theirs, I will reevaluate the future of the relationship.
Mental Boundaries
IF they dismiss my feelings or invalidate my emotions, THEN I will challenge them directly and, if it continues, limit how much I share with them or disengage entirely from discussing certain topics.
Final thoughts,
If I had created this framework years ago, it’s unlikely I would have gotten into the shitty relationships that I once participated in. Most of my problems could have been avoided. But unfortunately, that’s how life is. You live and learn.
There are a few final insights into how programming and boundary-setting are more similar than you might realize.
In programming, the IF THEN or “if-else” statements programmers use to build software and video games are a safeguard to preventing bugs and glitches (unexpected outcomes).
A relationship without boundaries (IF THEN) will have similar results. It’ll be absolute chaos. The limits you set, define, and express are there to prevent misunderstandings, resentment, or emotional “errors” by making your needs and expectations clear from the start.
Boundaries act as the code that keeps relationships running smoothly. Or in some cases, help you entirely avoid bad ones.
Enjoy what you just read? 🌟 This is just the beginning! Subscribe to my premium newsletter for more exclusive content, deep dives, and personal updates that I only share with my paid subscribers.
Your support not only lets you access more of what you love but also helps me create more amazing content.
Upgrade now and become part of our closer community.