The Thin Line Between Avoidant Self-Protection vs. Narcissistic Control

And how to tell the difference between the two early on

Photo by Jacob Mejicanos on Unsplash

Identifying who (and what) you’re dealing with in a relationship is going to save you from potential pain, wasted energy, and ultimately, your time.

I’ll be direct here.

Neither situation is ideal. Lovers with moderate or severe avoidant tendencies (we’ll get into what that means real soon) and narcissists aren’t practical relationships.

But if I had to pick one, I’d go with the avoidant over a narcissistic.

And I think most people would.

The problem is that avoidance and narcissism are incredibly similar in appearance. Frankly, sometimes you can’t even tell the difference.

They share many of the same behaviors, but there’s one different thing.

Avoidants and narcissists are nearly indistinguishable because they share behaviors like emotional distance, love-bombing, and withholding affection. But here’s the difference:

Avoidants avoid closeness out of fear—of rejection, dependence, or losing themselves in the relationship.

Narcissists, on the other hand, use relationships to feed their ego, prioritizing control and validation over connection.

Think of it this way: an avoidant’s withdrawal is self-protective, while a narcissist’s manipulation is self-serving.

So the short answer is intent. The intent is important but doesn’t negate the fact that no matter what, their actions are hurtful.

But what is an avoidant?

“Avoidant” is a label from attachment theory. A theory developed by psychologist John Bowlby many years ago.

It’s a label for a particular set of relationship patterns. It’s a helpful, albeit limited tool to describe the incredibly complicated, nuanced, and abstract interplay between two people.

For more reading on this topic, click here.

Avoidant attachment is interesting because there are two distinct versions: Dismissive and fearful (disorganized).

Fearful avoidants are like a hybrid between a highly anxious person who will then abruptly “shut down” when their fears of intimacy are triggered.

Whereas a dismissive avoidant is more likely to be “cool, calm, and collected,” while emotionally disengaged for the whole relationship.

Then you have its opposite. Anxious-preoccupied. In simplistic terms, you could think of them as the ones who “over give” or “try too hard” and worry about their partner and the relationship.

On the other hand, the avoidant is aloof, distant, and “hyper-independent.”

And they attract each other. No relationship on this earth can escape this magnetic, intoxicating pull.

Now, you might be wondering how? Why does this happen? Is this a bad thing?

First, this isn’t a bad thing. It’s how “healthy” attraction works. You will always be attracted to one or the other. It just gets dysfunctional when one (or both) partners are very insecure.

So here’s where it started.

When you were a kid, you experienced life. All the good things and all “bad” things. Trauma. Trauma has this weird way of imprinting certain stories about yourself and how you attach to people later on.

Some people learn to attune to everyone around them and we could call those the “anxious-preoccupied partners.”

Others learn to withdraw inwards. They are the avoidants. They pretty much said, Fuck it, I guess my parents don’t care so I’m gonna do my own thing and rely on myself.

A child with “avoidant” tendencies learned to cope by turning “inward.” They can be:

• Incredibly self-reliant to their own detriment

• Hyper-independent

• Aloof, distant

• Struggle to ask for help

• Avoidant of intimacy or confrontation

In short, this dynamic looks like this.

Anxious-Preoccupied→ ←Avoidant (Dismissive & Fearful)

Curious if your partner’s avoidant tendencies or narcissistic traits are sabotaging your relationship? Unlock the full post to dive deep into the psychology behind these patterns.

If you already know the difference and are looking to upgrade your relationships with boundaries, you can download your copy of my boundary-setting guide here.