Two Anxious (or Avoidant) Hearts Don’t Always Beat as One

Understanding our attraction to emotional opposites

Image created by AI tool Freepik

I remember the night I was sitting there, watching my first introduction to the world of attachment theory. It was late, and I sat alone in the apartment I had shared with my ex-fiancé.

Our relationship had ended just weeks before our New Year’s Eve wedding in 2022. Desperate to understand why this happened, I watched a pre-recorded relationship masterclass while she was away for the holidays.

I had nothing but time and unanswered questions. The ‘cyber-shaman,’ as the man describes himself, wasn’t explaining attachment theory in the traditional sense.

But as he spoke about relationships and used terms like Codependent and Savior, something clicked.

For the first time, I started to understand our dynamic in a way I hadn’t before. Codependent described me — always getting upset, always chasing, and always worried about what couldn’t be fixed.

Savior summed up her neatly.

She was everyone’s friend, always giving or doing something for someone else. My ex played the role of the aloof, distant, and standoffish rescuer quite well.

And that night became a turning point, though I didn’t realize it at the time.

It was the beginning of a journey that led me to attachment theory. What started as an effort to untangle the wreckage of that nearly five-year relationship, ended up transforming how I approach all relationships, including the one with myself.

Looking back, one of the reasons I started to pull away from her — and what ultimately triggered the end of our relationship on her side — was simple but significant: she was distant and didn’t prioritize the relationship.

Post-break up, I blurted out one day, “You never prioritized this relationship, and I was always second best to you.” She began to cry, not in the calculated way she had when she broke up with me, but it seemed different.

It felt raw, unfiltered. Maybe it was guilt. Who knows. Maybe it was the weight of the truth landing squarely on her.

But about a month or so before all that, doubt crept in, and I came home one day and said to her, “I won’t be attending our wedding.”

I was cold and blunt, and you might be thinking, “No wonder she left you.”

But when the effort from someone you love doesn’t feel mutual, it’s hard to keep pushing forward. It’s hard to care anymore. There were other issues, but in hindsight, I can see how my doubts and my fears made it harder for me to fully invest in the relationship.