You Don’t Want a Girlfriend, You Want a Boyfriend
How this secret is sabotaging your dating life and your relationships with women from the inside out
Some guys want a “best friend they can also fuck.”
A cisgender female “bro” with boobs, a vagina, and a nice ass.
Be honest… is this you?
All the shared interests, hobbies, and availability of a best friend.
Plus sexual access.
Plus feminine energy and attraction.
Plus domestic partnership.
This whole “we need to be best friends” thing has killed more relationships than almost anything else. When you try to build a romantic relationship on friendship, you’re failing to understand the point entirely.
Think about it: a Swiss Army knife, for example, has 15 different tools, but you wouldn’t use it to perform surgery or build a house. Would you?
It’s designed for a reason: To be decent at many things in a pinch, but not exceptional at any one thing.
She’s not your multi-tool or multi-tasker who’s supposed to cook, clean, pop-out children, debate with you on Solipsism, go with you to all the metal concerts, and know how to fuck you perfectly.
She’s a human being with her own needs, energy, thoughts, feelings, limitations, and expertise.
(Obviously I’d be lying if I said women didn’t think of men this way either. So don’t worry, I’ll bring this up soon.)
When you expect her to be your:
Business advisor.
Therapist.
Accountability coach.
Workout partner.
Hiking buddy.
Life coach.
Secretary.
Co-op partner.
Cheerleader.
And spiritual guide.
…you’re asking her to be mediocre at everything instead of allowing her to be exceptional at what she’s actually meant to provide in your life.
Have you ever complained your girlfriend “doesn’t support your dreams?”
When she couldn’t provide expert marketing advice for your startup, you felt unsupported.
You felt abandoned when she didn’t have the bandwidth to listen to your childhood trauma after her exhausting day at work.
Your obscure cryptocurrency theories went way over her head, and you felt misunderstood.
This might sound like a stretch, but I couldn’t think of a better example.
The gaming industry is doing exactly what we’re doing with relationships right now by trying to make everything for everyone all at once, but ending up average at everything.
Bethesda’s Starfield is a great example. I love this game, but it has a huge problem.
It’s the “Swiss Army knife girlfriend” of games. It’s trying to be Elite Dangerous AND Minecraft AND Call of Duty AND Mass Effect all at once.
Since it’s spreading itself so thin, it’s not exceptional at any one thing.
Meanwhile, games that focus on doing ONE or TWO things well, like Destiny 2 and its gunplay or Space Engineers’ realistic base building and space physics, end up becoming legendary for that specific thing.
And gamers project all their fantasies onto one game: “I want it to be a massive sandbox, AND have perfect combat AND perfect base building AND perfect exploration AND a perfect story AND…”
I get why people want things to have it all. It’s easier. Simpler.
But this happened to Starfield. Fans expected everything. And due to limitations in hardware, software, and our current technology, the game obviously had limitations; they were disappointed when it couldn’t deliver on all the hype.
Same with dating.
We project all our needs onto one person: “I want her to be my workout buddy AND my therapist AND my business advisor AND smoking hot AND an expert at sucking dick AND…”
This picky strategy severely limits your statistical odds of meeting a woman, even in a city of millions of people.
Then we’re let down when she can’t fulfill all those roles.
I further explain this concept of compound probability and how it intersects with dating here in this article below: 👇👇👇
How to Date and Filter Potential Lovers Using a Simple Formula
People have all these “standards” in dating that are often well-intentioned, but they either come from a place of avoidance, pride, or delusion.
People want their relationships and video games to be an escape from reality
But still needs to be as realistic as life itself.
In games: “I want to escape to space and explore all the planets, but I also want every rock and tree to be hand-crafted and every NPC to have a unique backstory.”
In relationships: “I want this magical connection, but I also want you to be my therapist, my best friend, love the same music, practice the same religion, be my business advisor, and be perfectly available at all times.”
We’ve basically turned dating into a job interview for “life companion,” while forgetting the core driver of heterosexual relationships is sex with the opposite gender and attraction.
For straight men, it’s the distinctive feminine softness we crave. Her skin, her curves, and the way she smells. And how she carries herself is different from you.
For straight women, it’s masculine solidity. The feeling of being held and touched by someone bigger and stronger.
All this “we need to share values, interests, communication styles, life goals” is friendship criteria. Business partner needs.
Instead of “Do I love the way she feels in my arms? Does she melt into my chest when I hold her?”
We ask dumb shit like “Do we have similar values and interests? Does she believe in God?” before even figuring out if she feels good to be around.
Fucking each other is priority and everything else is secondary.
The cost of outsourcing everything
When you overload your romantic partner with all your needs, you don’t create intimacy.
You create dependency and resentment.
You become a grown man who can’t function without constant validation or attention, who needs his girlfriend to manage his calendar, motivate him, and solve all his problems.
The relationship becomes a job. Not a haven. I can guarantee you she’ll get exhausted by the weight of being your entire support system.
And it’s killing your relationship from the inside out. But women are guilty of this, too.
They want their boyfriend to be their girlfriend, therapist, AND protector all at once.
The female version:
Wanting him to process emotions the way she does with her girlfriends.
Expecting him to be endlessly available for emotional support without reciprocating his different needs.
Getting frustrated or feeling neglected when he doesn’t want to analyze every feeling or relationship dynamic.
Wanting him to be her shopping buddy, a source of endless laughs, and her daddy.
Expecting him to be as invested in her friend drama as her girlfriends are.
It’s like they want a boyfriend with a woman’s emotional operating system.
A guy who’s simultaneously the strong, decisive man AND the emotionally available girlfriend who wants to talk about feelings all night.
The irony is when he tries to be what she wants, vulnerable and soft, she often loses attraction to him.
She gets the emotional processing she thinks she wants, but loses the masculinity from him she craves.
The paradox of self-reliance (the tangible gains)
Ironically, the more self-reliant you become, the more attractive you are.
But not in the emotional isolationist kind of way.
Because the more you handle your own shit, the more she can relax around you.
The more you take care of your own needs, the more she can focus on what she wants to give you rather than what you’re demanding from her.
Imagine if your boss wasn’t sure of himself. Would you feel at ease?
Statistically speaking, when you’re looking for a “Swiss Army knife girlfriend” with a dozen different requirements, every woman you meet becomes less and less likely to exist with each demand.
The pressure is insane here. Not only on you to find this “unicorn,” but on her to be it. (If you even find her.)
But when you realize you only need someone who’s… her, things change.
Everything else you can handle or get elsewhere.
Suddenly, you’re not having to interview for potential “life managers” to feel at peace.
You can focus on gauging if there’s mutual attraction or genuine enjoyment of each other’s company. Way more relaxed. Way more fun.
If this is how you date, it’s no wonder there’s no sexual tension because you’re both too busy mentally checking compatibility boxes.
When you delegate all that other crap to the appropriate sources, suddenly you can… be a man on a date with a woman.
You can flirt. Create tension.
You can focus on whether you want to touch her and whether she wants to be touched by you.
Instead of “So what are your career goals and how do you handle conflict?” you can see if she lights up when you tease her.
If you’re enjoying this so far, but want a more serious and effective approach to dating, setting boundaries, and communicating your needs, I recommend downloading my boundary-setting guide here.
Here’s a list of tangible things you don’t need a girlfriend for
There are so many resources now with the internet, but we still take the path of least resistance. We try to delegate it all to one person from Bumble or Tinder.
Professional & productivity
Accountability partner → Hire a coach, use apps like Notion, or get on Discord.
Business advice → Use Slack. Get a mentor, join some kind of Facebook mastermind group, or network professionally.
Career guidance → Work with a career coach or get on LinkedIn.
Project collaboration → Partner with friends or colleagues who share your professional interests.
Yeah, it’s not easy going out of your way to find people. But it’s not any easier finding a girl who ticks every single box in your long list of demands.
Mental health
Therapy and emotional work → That’s what licensed professionals are for.
Friendship-level venting → Male friends or a brotherhood are better containers.
Self-worth and validation → This comes from inner work, not constant reassurance.
I learned from an unlikely source when I was once part of an MLM (don’t recommend it), but my “upline” said something I still remember. But sometimes forget.
He talked about how he didn’t vent to his wife or offload his issues onto her about his business and all that. He used his “upline.”
As I understand it, you don’t want to offload “down the chain.”
Women generally date at their level or up, so when you dump your baggage to her, now she’s both carrying her own shit PLUS yours.
She can’t simultaneously look up to you and take care of you.
She’s looking to you for stability and leadership, but now you’re making her your mom.
No wonder relationships fail.
Your problems and emotional processing should flow to people who are equipped to handle them and aren’t negatively affected by them.
Your therapist or counselor gets paid to hold that space.
Your male friends aren’t romantically invested in your outcome.
Talk to your parents. They brought you into this world and have a responsibility to guide you.
But asking her to manage your emotional state while also trying to maintain attraction to you doesn’t mesh.
Think of it like this: you get support and guidance from people “above” you (mentors, therapists, older male friends), you give support to people “below” you (younger guys or your kids if you have them), and you maintain partnership with people at your level (your girlfriend/wife).
Keep it flowing in the right direction.
Intellectual stimulation
Conversations on your niche interests → Books, podcasts, forums, meetups, hell, even AI is useful for brainstorming.
Shared obsessions → Find people who share the same hobbies instead of expecting her to love death metal, Nietzsche, or anime because you do.
Philosophical debates → Join discussion groups or online communities with other people. Use Reddit.
Health & lifestyle management
Working out → Hire a trainer, join a gym, or find a running group.
Meal planning and cooking → You’re an adult, you should know how to cook for yourself anyway. If not, figure it out or use services like HelloFresh.
Style and grooming advice → Use Google or go to a barber.
Health → Work with professionals: nutritionists, trainers, doctors.
Self-discovery & purpose
Life purpose → Books, journaling, mentors, therapy.
Adventure and new experiences → Do this solo or with friends; you don’t need to wait for her to do shit.
Personal growth → Take responsibility for your own development.
Life management
House cleaning → Hire help or develop habits to keep your place clean. Boys expect women to clean. Men take the initiative; think about it, would you expect her to be turned on by a rank-ass, dingy apartment when you invite her over?
Errands and organization → You’re a grown man; handle your own to-do list.
Being your secretary → Too many men delegate basic shit like calling and scheduling dental appointments to their wives. What is she, your mom? Manage your own damn appointments.
Decision-making → Make your own choices but include her; don’t use your girl as a crutch to avoid responsibility.
After all this, you might wonder: what’s her role?
She’s for the part of life only a woman can embody.
Every dude is going to have his own version of “what he wants,” but there aren’t any other situations where you’ll find the look of her when she’s in the bathroom, half-way dressed, and getting ready for a date with makeup everywhere.
Or her scent on your pillow.
Randomly finding those long blond hairs on your coat at work and wondering, ‘How the fuck did that get there?’
The way she looks at you.
Her breath against your neck when you’re falling asleep.
And the warmth of her curled up next to you in bed on Sunday morning.
She’s for being herself: soft, feminine, and playful.
Having your kids, if that’s what you want. And if so, she needs to be a good mother.
That softness, the femininity — you can’t get this from your male friends or your therapist or your business mentor. That’s the irreplaceable thing she brings.
When you filter primarily based on surface traits like physical appearance only, shared interests or hobbies, or things like religious preferences, you may end up dating a guarded, emotionally unavailable woman without realizing it. She’s perfect.
But ignore her vibe and this happens: 👇👇👇
The Emotional Chastity Belt: Why Beautiful Women Leave You Feeling Empty and Unloved
We have beautiful, intelligent, successful women who are emotionally unavailable, and they don’t even realize they’re starving the men in their lives of the very thing that would make those men want to move mountains for them…
To wrap up, get what you need from the best-suited source
Diversify and go to the best-suited source for each need. Whether it’s your parents, a trusted friend or colleague, or a mentor, your goal isn’t to exclude her from your life, but to avoid unnecessarily dumping crap into the relationship without any solid benefit.
Your wife or girlfriend is the best-suited source for romantic and sexual intimacy, softness, and partnership.
But your therapist is for helping you process trauma or venting.
Get a personal trainer to help you get fit, not to help you overcome your loneliness.
Your mentor is the best-suited source for personal and business advice.
Think about it this way, too.
Going back to the video game analogy:
The Witcher 3 has won so many awards because it said, “We’re not going to give you the entire universe. We’re going to give you a few regions, focus on the story and the gameplay, and make them absolutely incredible.”
They could have tried to include all the kingdoms and all their different political systems, cultures, and storylines to appease the audience and check off a box.
Instead, they understood the constraint and worked within it to create excellence, rather than trying to do everything and ending up with a bunch of generic content.
Your relationships need to follow the same rules if you want them to succeed.
Because we’ve been told what we should want in a partner is someone who’s basically our clone, who can do everything, but with opposite genitals.
Then we wonder why the sex dies, why there’s no passion, and why it feels like roommates.
The obsession with “compatibility” has made us forget that some of the best relationships are built on complementary qualities, not similar ones.
Every woman, like every man, has a finite amount of “attribute points” like a video game character. You can’t max out every stat. Maybe in some games, but not the strategic ones.
If you’re asking her to put points into being your business advisor, your therapist, your CrossFit buddy, your intellectual debate partner, AND the mother of your kids, she’s probably not going to be great at all of them.
She’s spread too thin.
(And yes, I’m aware life isn’t the same as a video game. We can have many different skills and talents, but when you intentionally screen for all these things at once, you’re doing yourself a disservice. You’re optimizing for the wrong things and missing out on excellence where it actually counts.)
It’s like trying to build a character in an RPG who’s a warrior, mage, healer, and thief all at once. It won’t be effective.
Her limitations aren’t a feature, and they force you to be selective about who has the right qualities that complement yours. And when you’re too picky, you stay lonely.
Let her be incredible at being a woman. Get the other stuff from sources that are built for those roles. Way better allocation of resources.
So, what if you found a girl who’s absolutely incredible at being… your wife or girlfriend?
What’s one area where you’ve been over-relying on your partner? Share your thoughts in the comments below.