How a Cult Leader and an Ex-Girlfriend Showed Me I Am a Beacon for Toxic People
The lesson that took me three decades to understand, but it was worth it.
Toxic people will react to us in two different ways. Their true colors will show. They’ll slink away or they will defiantly oppose us, but deep down they know it’s futile.
Because they were never in the right in the first place.
But how do we get them to show us their true colors? How do we finally make them reveal to us who they were this whole time? And why does it even matter?
Why not move on, and worry about something else more important?
There’s a lesson.
In preschool, a kid named Brian bullied me relentlessly. He would push me and hit me, but the preschool attendants couldn’t (or chose not to) stop him. I never stood up to him.
Naturally, I aged and went into kindergarten. But the same patterns have been running through me.
Like many toxic individuals, Brian receives power and energy from forcing their problems onto others. Whether that’s some form of inflicting pain and suffering, evading accountability, desperately seeking emotional reassurance, or simply blaming others for their actions, toxic people LOVE to avoid the discomfort of actually addressing their problems.
They make their pain YOUR problem.
I was too young to understand what bullies were and why Brian hurt me. But I didn’t think my grandmother would act the same way. My mother lived with her along with my brother and me.
Childhood
My grandmother was demeaning, controlling, and emotionally abusive.
She would get annoyed, frustrated, or angry at us if we didn’t do yard work or do it right. And it wasn’t uncommon for her to become suddenly enraged at the slightest inconvenience.
While she was a self-absorbed, narcissistic, and toxic bully, I can’t deny she provided us with a place to live and food to eat. But that’s really about it.
She also had too many dogs. And I hated most of them. They were mean, aggressive, and violent, and I never felt safe living in that house.
One day, her favorite dog fell ill and started dying. Part of me was happy this was happening. She knew my brother and I did not like this animal. My grandmother arranged candles on the table and built a shrine.
With tears streaming down her blue eyes she said, “I know you guys don’t like her, but I want you to pray for her to get better.”
The two of us prayed while she watched. It was a very uncomfortable experience to be put through, and the dog died anyway.
This is parentification (abuse). She didn’t care about anyone’s boundaries. Not mine, not my brother’s, and not my mother’s. While the other people in my household went along with most of her crap, I’ve always been a fighter. I would try to stand up to her, but I was too weak.
At the age of five or six, she and I got into a physical altercation. I don’t remember what it was about, but I still remember the incident as it happened. All while my mother watched.
When it was over, my shirt was torn up, and she destroyed my new Star Wars board game. I don’t know why, but that was her form of revenge.
My point is not to garner sympathy. These are cold hard facts, and I am not losing sleep over it. It is what it is. But the lesson here is bullies have a nasty habit of circling back into our lives. And soon we’ll find out why.
“Brad” and his Amway group.
In 2019, a guy named “Brad”, a total stranger, introduced me to a multi-level marketing company (MLM), called Amway. He was clean-cut, very short for a man and he had blue eyes.
I was “personally” recruited by Brad, whereas others on his “team” were recruited by others he personally recruited. Just imagine a big cluster-fuck of a pyramid structure. Which is why it was often labeled as a pyramid scheme by outsiders.
Brad led his own little group of 40 to 50 people in my area.
Brad was an egotistical, manipulative, and self-absorbed person. He had a very “grandiose” personality. Yet, he was “friendly”, charismatic, charming, smooth, and he drew crowds to him.
As I recalled our chance meeting, it seemed like I was destined to meet him.
It’s a confusing mess, but the “independent business owners” of Amway, the people who distribute its products love to start up their own pyramid schemes within the company itself.
The corporation, while questionable, does not operate like a cult, but the individuals themselves build micro-empires and “business cults” to profit off of their recruits. And to brainwash them.
They would sell memberships, training materials, and tailored seminars to develop Amway “business owners”.
The important lesson is that I toiled away for Brad. I bought into his “two to five-year plan of financial freedom” in the hope I would never have to work a normal job again.
My fiancé could be free, and we could live out this fantasy life together.
Outside of my failed attempts at recruiting strangers, I invested a lot of my remaining personal time going to out-of-state conferences every 3 months with Brad and attending weekly “info-sessions” (mini seminars) an hour and a half away.
All of this work yielded little. My “business” was not profitable. Because of this, I often sought out Brad for help. I would personally meet with him about recruiting or “personal development”.
Though, he wasn’t a stranger to being tardy or flaking on me. I would soon learn years later that one particular ex had a similar habit of tardiness and flaking as well…
To suffice, I looked up to him. He felt like a father to me that I never had. I truly thought that Brad cared. But I often felt like I was fighting for his approval and his time.
Like Brian and my grandmother, his orbit in my life eventually ended.
It was at an info-session in early February 2020, right before the COVID-19 outbreak. Brad and his wife “Jennifer” were away for the week so one of his “downline leaders” stepped in and ran our info-session that night.
His “up-and-coming leaders” were a sad reflection of Brad. But he did train them well in the art of bullshittery.
“You guys aren’t doing enough to get Jennifer free from her job!”
I forgot to mention. His wife worked from home. A luxury a lot of people didn’t have, especially for someone in her line of work. She was already free. Free-er than a lot of us were from the “daily grind”.
She was free to work from home and raise his children while he was off working and running his “little business”. For several months, I was already doubting this whole scheme and his words confirmed what I needed to know.
Brad only cared about one thing. Money.
Outside his Amway “business,” Brad already had a well-paying job, a nice home, a nice car, a beautiful loving family, and everything most Americans dream of having.
But it wasn’t enough for him.
Most of us in his group were struggling financially. Which was the primary reason for joining in the first place. Not to slave away for some petty tyrant.
And after that night, I never showed up again.
Though, I felt guilty for ghosting Brad so I invited him over to my home several months later. With the lockdowns, I had a more reasonable excuse for not participating in Amway. So I didn’t feel too bad.
We had a useless discussion. It was more of a “catching up” meeting, but I never told him I “officially quit.” I was still on the fence, but his flippant attitude towards me and my fiancé concerned me.
I blocked his number and ghosted him after he left. Interestingly, it wasn’t until several years later I realized he continued his attempts to reach out to me through immature, rude texts, and several missed calls.
If I think about it I would have asked him, “Out of all the strangers, Why me? Why did you choose me? But you know you’re a liar, right? Your shit’s a scam. And don’t ever talk to me again.”
I hadn’t learned my lesson yet. I wasn’t as spiritually aware as I am now, so I didn’t see the connection between Brad, my grandmother, and that bully from preschool.
For a few more years, I hadn’t attracted any toxic people into my life. My ex-fiancé was certainly self-absorbed and toxic in a way, but the lesson I learned from her was different.
It wasn’t until 2024 I noticed some disturbing patterns…
The “Julie” Fiasco
My recent partner was very self-absorbed and incredibly hyper-independent. She had a lot of avoidant tendencies and I always felt like I tiptoed around her so she would not become upset or tempted to leave.
She was an embodiment of these bullies. I could see it in her blue eyes. She was a different person with her own separate personality, but her energy was of a similar manifestation of Brad, my grandmother, and that bully, Brian.
Often I took on her emotional burden. I felt I had to constantly manage her anxiety by reassuring her of things that real, mature adults do not worry about. Such as meeting my friends, staying over the night, or going on a first date.
It was cute once or twice, but it got tiring as the weeks went on. Throughout the relationship, I often felt drained and controlled—a tell-tale sign you’re dealing with a toxic person— by Julie’s avoidant and self-absorbed behavior.
When I look back at my relationship with Julie, I can recall feeling happy and safe, yet also incredibly nervous and tense when I was around her, and it started to get me to think “When have I felt like this before?”
The nature of her past relationships concerned me as well. She had a very “questionable” resume of past behavior. Part of me was slightly worried that I was headed into another toxic relationship, but Julie was a kind, smart, and loving person. So I pushed my fears aside.
However, she let me down. At one point in our journey together, she pulled away, ghosted me, and discarded the relationship for little reason. I got a few brief, vague answers, from her, but that experience opened up a new set of wounds.
I felt betrayed. How could someone who seemed to have cared about me do this?
The meaning my stories hold and the lesson to learn
As of writing this, I had an unexpected yet fateful encounter with my ex, Julie, about a week ago. I spent weeks healing after she left, but I still felt like I hadn’t received the closure I deserved.
I Confronted the Narcissist Today
How life often gives you what you need when you least expect it.ptrood.substack.com
After a visit to the barber, we crossed paths unexpectedly in a surprising “coincidence”. Given how closely our actions aligned to bring us together at that moment. It seemed more than a coincidence.
When I saw her, I called out her name. We were both shocked. This encounter was brief and tense. And despite a month-long no-contact period, something came over me. I asked her why she left.
Julie responded coldly, saying she just wasn’t interested, and dismissively added that I never really knew her. I felt let down, angry, and shocked, but after a brief reflection on the situation, I felt happy and empowered.
I found my happiness in the expression of my hurt. To see that finally, someone who hurt me could at last see my pain. I needed someone that hurt me to see my anger. I needed this.
The Real Lesson:
This encounter with Julie illustrates that closure often comes when we least expect it.
Seeing Julie in person solidified the idea that “She’s not coming back, there’s nothing I can do to change her mind. She was never capable of reciprocating love.”
And none of the people in this story before her were capable either. She was an embodiment of all of them. Seeing her that day confirmed it. They never cared. Their actions were a conscious choice, and I’ve been needlessly holding onto the pain for so long.
Therefore, strength and freedom lie in confronting uncomfortable, but unresolved feelings. Trust life. Let go.
It will give you what you need when you least expect it. But this won’t happen until you take the necessary steps. Face your demons. Tell that person who needs to hear most what you think and feel.
Life, the universe, God, nature, whatever you want to call it will continue to throw adversaries in your life until you wake up to what your task is.
In the end, I can’t prove whether my words to Julie the other day “broke the cycle”, but for once in my life, I finally got the chance to say what I’ve been longing to say for so long. “You hurt me.”
Time will tell.
Enjoy what you just read? 🌟 This is just the beginning! Subscribe to my premium newsletter for more exclusive content, deep dives, and personal updates that I only share with my paid subscribers.
Your support not only lets you access more of what you love but also helps me create more amazing content.
Upgrade now and become part of our closer community.