How to Build More Trust With Your Avoidant Partner (Without Abandoning Yourself)
The counterintuitive approach you need to start taking with those who fear closeness
Blindly going into a relationship with an avoidant partner is a recipe for disaster.
It will be an uphill battle — especially if they struggle with severe or moderate avoidant attachment behavior.
And you’re wondering, what the heck is an avoidant?
If you’re familiar with my writing you might already have an idea what attachment theory is, but if not, here’s a quick rundown.
All relationships fall into this paradigm.
Anxious-preoccupied ↔ Avoidant (Fearful or Dismissive)
These two polar opposites attract each other.
The anxious partner’s fear of abandonment causes them to be overly concerned with others and the relationship.
Conversely, the avoidant’s (whether that’s a fearful or dismissive one) fear of “being seen as ‘not good enough’” causes them to be hyper-independent, self-focused, and avoidant of intimacy.
In moderate to severe cases, this dynamic produces toxic effects.
So if you’re not tuned into the mind of your avoidant partner, you are bound to make mistakes that could otherwise have been mitigated.
What the avoidant really needs from you
As I’ve learned through a lot of self-reflection, research, experience, and even through writing so much about this topic, I’ve come to learn that avoidants — especially the fearful (i.e. hybrid/disorganized) type, crave safety, consistency, and certainty.
So you must set clear, reasonable, and tangible limits with them.
Without a solid structure or framework for the relationship, the issues that are bound to come up in any relationship are very likely going to trigger their fears and force them to pull away from you, and ultimately the relationship.
And you know, we’re not here to punish the avoidant or anything like that, you’re reading this because you want to know how to love them the best way you can.
But it can be a huge struggle.
Because your avoidant partner will say things like “I love you. I want to be with you. I want to know everything about you. Let’s start a family together,” and all that romantic kind of stuff.
The confusing part is when you do get close, they pull away.
After a disagreement or an argument, they’ll say, “I need space.”
But then they run out to party at 3 in the morning with their friends. They ignore your texts and saunter in the house at 11:23 that morning as if nothing happened.
Your first instinct would be to interrogate. Where have you been? I was worried all night, and I can’t believe you had the audacity to casually waltz in here this late! Who were you out with?
(Trust me. On more than one occasion I’ve experienced this. It’s not easy maintaining composure in a situation like that and it’s completely valid to feel all sorts of ways when a partner behaves like this.)
But by moving in closer, by being intense — whether or not it’s warranted — the avoidant partner interprets that as insecurity or jealousy.
A relationship like this can only last for so long.
Plus, the whole time you’re together it will be exhausting. It’s emotionally draining — which is toxic — and you’re worth more than to be treated like that.
Stop letting your avoidant run the relationship
But here’s something important: Your response matters more than their behavior.
While you should never treat them like a child who can’t handle their independence, your avoidant partner is relying on you to set the pace and the framework of the relationship.
(Because they don’t really know how to communicate it, and often, don’t even know that boundaries are a requirement)
This doesn’t absolve them of responsibility, but if someone’s gonna lead, it ought to at least be you.
Without knowing all this, your first instinct might be to text more when they seem distant. Or… plan all the dates when they seem disinterested in reciprocating.
You might agree to things you don’t want to do just to please them, going “all out” with gifts, you know, that sort of thing.
In short, you’ll do anything to prove your worth.
But people can smell that a mile away — not just avoidants.
To the avoidant it might seem endearing at first, but after a time it becomes repugnant, and they’ll actually have disdain for your tendency to try to please them.
Because people-pleasing isn’t love.
Being available 24/7 isn’t love. It’s desperation.
It doesn’t create a space for the avoidant partner to feel like there’s any sense of consistency or normalcy in the relationship.
It’ll feel like one giant mosh-pit where anything goes. And that’s overwhelming and triggers their fear of engulfment (losing independence).
When you’re always accessible, you’re not creating a connection — you’re broadcasting that you have nothing more important going on.
But I thought being available showed I cared.
No. Again, let’s remember, that setting boundaries is not only how you show you care, but it’s a clear, bold statement. I mean business.
With so many people these days being wishy-washy, casual, and apathetic, setting limits with yourself and your relationships is a strong signal that you are someone of value who knows what they want.
In a sea of mediocrity and self-indulgence, to a lot of people, that is magnetic.
A practical, real-life example
To wrap up, let’s describe an example of how to set boundaries. For a deeper exploration of boundary setting, consider downloading my boundary cheat sheet here.
This will help you reclaim your energy and build the love life you deserve. It’s not a cure-all for your problems, but it’s a small start.
Here’s a typical scenario: You’re dating someone who is inconsistent and shows signs of avoidant attachment.
They always agree to plans but then cancel last minute. In this case, you’re constantly rearranging your schedule or waiting around due to their finicky, unpredictable behavior.
One week they’re “all in” and then distant or non-committal the next.
(Frankly, I’d recommend moving on after experiencing this two or three times, but for the sake of it, let’s show how you can assert your wants and needs)
Most people react to an avoidant partner by becoming more available and more apologetic. It’s an incredibly self-defeating mentality, and it’s not your fault per se.
Because the tendency to do this is quite common for those with anxious attachment.
Which is why we’re explaining how to overcome that here in this story.
But becoming too agreeable reinforces their belief that they can control the relationship through inconsistency. They’re trying to control because there’s no solid structure or consistency present in the relationship or the dating experience.
However, it is important to remember some people’s behavior has nothing to do with attachment wounds. They’re simply manipulative and disrespectful.
This kind of inconsistency is how the avoidant maintains control over the relationship — and by extension manages their anxiety around closeness.
So you’re gonna have to set a pace, a rhythm.
Instead of randomly planning dates, you’ll have to set aside times or days that you are available — but only during that time. And it has to be on YOUR terms, not theirs.
If they can’t match that rhythm, you’re communicating that their inconsistency has consequences. And those consequences could be a final decision — leaving.
So you could say,
“Hey, I’ve enjoyed spending time together, but when we agree to stuff, I’ve noticed an inconsistency when we actually follow through with these plans.
Can you help me understand why this is happening?
If we want to continue seeing each other, I need to let you know I’m only available on Saturday evening and Sunday afternoon. If we’re going to connect, we need to confirm by Thursday evening.
Unfortunately, if we can’t establish a routine, then I’ll have to prioritize my time with other people and create space in my life for a new relationship.”
If they don’t confirm or they decline. Oh well… tough luck for them (not you).
The important thing is not to chase. Don’t reschedule. Don’t try to bend or mold yourself for someone who has been inconsistent or unreliable.
While this might sound like you’re trying to call their bluff, you’re not.
However, in that example, you must be committed to following through with sticking to those days or times, whatever they may be.
If it feels like you’re just making that up to convey confidence you don’t have, your partner can tell.
But at the end of the day, trust isn’t built by tolerating disrespect.
It’s built by being consistently, quietly dependable — while maintaining rock-solid boundaries.
You might be wondering too, how is that any better than the avoidant, doesn’t that seem like aloof, cold, or distant behavior?
Remember, setting boundaries is the opposite of being distant. It’s about safeguarding love. Being deliberate and intentional about what you will and will not tolerate is not avoidant behavior.
Boundaries are meant to create a relationship where both people feel safe and valued.
And if the person you’re seeing can’t meet those needs or respect your limits, that’s okay. As hard as it might sound, you might not be right for each other. Not all relationships last forever.
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