The Biggest Mistake Men Are Making with Their Dating Lives
Believing that ‘being yourself’ is good enough
I won’t hit you with some unplugged red pill bullshit that narrows dating down to a zero-sum game you have to master. Nor am I going to spout that ‘alpha’ nonsense either.
Forget the generic, new-age fluff where all the meaning and nuance is lost. None of that.
Hopefully you know what I mean. Some guys struggle with women and then find themselves consuming ‘dating advice’ that suggests the solution is to seek out shallow goals.
(Like making money, working out to look good, and perfecting ‘game.’)
Essentially, ‘you’re not good enough’ and you need to compete with other men and outsmart women by portraying a false image.
However, paradoxically, deep down you know the weak image you’re projecting isn’t meeting your needs. Yet, you still expect women to like it simply because it’s you.
You’re not flawed but something needs to change.
So, what are you supposed to do?
Now listen. When people say things like “Oh, you’ll find someone, I promise. You’re a hard worker and a good person. Someone will see that and love you,” or “Just be yourself,” yeah, of course, it feels nice and makes you feel confident.
And it’s easy to fall into that idea and expect things to magically change without changing yourself.
Ride the edge on being yourself and being real
I haven’t mastered the art of ‘pulling women.’
Though, simultaneously, I’ve been engaged, fallen in love, and been in relationships.
But I’ve had my heart broken too. I’ve stumbled, failed, had women look at me with disgust, been rejected, and at times felt completely lost.
It sounds far more dramatic than it is, but the point is I’m still learning as I go.
But recently, I’ve seen dating for what it is.
Dating and marketing are very similar. And the more I lean into this comparison, the less rejection stings, and the more open I am to change.
Lean on “just being nice” and you might as well create bland, boring content and get mad at your audience.
Kindness is the baseline. Just like creating a video or story that’s palatable. Anyone can do the minimum.
It doesn’t set you apart from anyone else because that’s the expectation. To build attraction or get people to appreciate your art, you need to try and show something real like confidence, humor, ambition, or qualities that go beyond enjoying video games and anime.
(Or throw in a few f-bombs here and there)
There’s a reason why there aren’t guides about ‘how to be a better reader,’ ‘how to watch YouTube better,’ or ‘how to listen to music with the heart.’
Because consumption is passive. Creation isn’t. Why else do people spend money on ‘How-to’ courses to gain followers?
If you want people to engage with what you’re putting out, it’s your job to make it worth their time. Same thing for love and dating.
Love is a dance, not a transaction
Think about this. It’s not desperation or rejection driving the abundance of dating boot camps, seminars, courses, and videos aimed at helping men attract women.
At a deeper level, both genders inherently understand that the responsibility to lead and initiate often falls on the man.
This expectation isn’t about dominance or control. Leadership is about taking the first step in a relationship — whether it’s approaching, starting the conversation, or setting the tone.
Think of dating like a dance. Traditionally, men take the lead in initiating, planning, and creating the structure of interactions.
Women respond by reciprocating interest and bringing energy and nuance to the exchange. For the dance to flow, both partners must willingly and intentionally participate.
This isn’t about reverting to outdated gender roles. Nothing 1950s-esque. It’s about understanding the dynamic. You lead by creating a compelling connection, and she contributes by engaging emotionally and reciprocating effort.
But if a guy brings the same passive, unengaging, boring energy into his dating life he’ll keep getting the same results with women. Like the artist, the writer, or the YouTuber, they might know something needs to change, but they might not know how or what.
And I’m not saying to suck up to someone or pretend.
Understand your role in the dance of love. Lead. Even if it’s nothing extravagant, just do something. You know, like say hi… Or I dunno, compliment a woman in a way that is genuine and makes sense.
Lead in a way that creates the kind of dynamic that makes her want to stick around.
It’s just like how the writer doesn’t force their reader to read their stories.
The vlogger doesn’t blackmail their audience into purchasing exclusive content. Nor does the respectable artist expect people to appreciate their paintings just because they took the time to paint the painting.
The lie of ‘good enough’ leaves vulnerable torejection
If the audience isn’t hooked, you don’t blame them for not showing up. You figure out how to connect better. Nor is it about hoping and praying that things should just change to the way we think things should be. That leads to resentment and inaction.
And here’s where many guys get stuck:
They internalize rejection, thinking, ‘I’m not good enough’
They give up and settle, often choosing someone they’re not really attracted to
Or they become bitter and blame women, feeling entitled to attention
The problem isn’t who you are. It’s your energy. This might sound like a bad thing, but it’s the best news you could ever hear, because you can change your tone.
Imagine if ‘not good enough’ was really a thing. You’d be sentenced to be alone forever.
Now that… you couldn’t change.
So, let’s re-think rejection. For example, I realized it was my energy, my vibe, my attitude, and my ambition that was fucking up my success with women.
When I’d worry about the relationship it would come off in my vibe. That’s when I’d usually lose a girlfriend.
And I discovered that women reflected the same energy that my shy, meek ‘hellos’ were sending out. I shifted my vibe from pathetic and weak to something… a little more confident.
Approach anxiety still fucks with me, but at least when I do speak up, I’m better at complimenting with an engaging smile.
I noticed a subtle, but also distinguishable difference.
It was like flipping a switch. Women naturally mirrored the same, radiant energy I put out. It doesn’t happen every time, but that warm, comforting approach is an invitation to have that positivity reflected.
So, it’s about becoming intentional with how you show up in the world.
The same is true for content creation.
My earlier stories felt half-hearted, rushed, and amateurish. I didn’t get a lot of traction. They were like those weak ‘hellos’ I’d put out in the past — uninspiring, and easy to ignore.
When I started putting more intention behind my work, the responses were different. Don’t get me wrong. Sometimes I still put out crap that gets ignored and I still miss the mark with my approaches.
But I’ve learned. I’ve had to make adjustments from my previous stuff.
Bad content isn’t just about poor production or writing; it’s about energy.
What you put in determines what you get back. I know it sounds redundant but I’m trying to drive this home for you. It’s often about the energy you bring to interactions.
Again, think of it like being a content creator. A musician, writer, or filmmaker doesn’t blame the audience for not liking their work. Instead, they ask:
Was the hook compelling?
Did the message resonate?
Was the substance interesting?
If your jokes don’t land, maybe it’s your tone. Or maybe the joke was a bit too unhinged. And if it’s none of those things, it’s possible you just don’t click with her, and you never will. That’s okay too.
But from what I’ve experience, if she doesn’t see you as someone worth investing in, maybe you’re not showing enough confidence or emotional depth. You might be too nice.
(Though… not every woman is going to be ready or emotionally available even if she likes you)
Hoping someone will like the raw, unrefined version of you without effort is like releasing unpolished content and expecting rave reviews.
You have to make edits. Reiteration is non-negotiable if you expect success in dating, marketing, writing, or producing. This applies to becoming the best version of yourself.
Experience has taught me that the best results come from putting in the time and effort, not just waiting for things to happen.
Conclusion
If there’s one thing to remember it’s this: If you’re settling for the ‘same old you’ would you expect someone else to?
Good content (or personality) resonates because it’s real and deliberate.
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