10 Glaring Red Flags You’re Dating an Avoidant
Key behaviors you are overlooking
I had to learn the hard way to spot avoidant attachment.
But over the last few years, heartbreak and wasted time taught me really fast that I needed to pay more attention to the strange, subtle, and unique behaviors of emotionally unavailable people.
One of the most crucial things I discovered was that avoidant behavior is a learned protective response to trauma. It’s not merely a choice for most people.
However, it doesn’t make it any less annoying or frustrating to date someone who, frankly, isn’t interested in changing their behavior for the benefit of the relationship as a whole.
I’m not saying you have to ‘take it slow’ or be overly cautious in dating, but you must spot the red flags sooner rather than later.
Most avoidants don’t even know they’re avoidant, and their behavior often isn’t immediately noticeable or harmful. This doesn’t make them bad people.
But their behavior can be counter-productive to anything serious or long-term.
Many people with avoidant attachment patterns may read this article and experience:
A strong urge to dismiss these patterns as normal independence
Arguments about why emotional distance is actually healthy
Defensive reactions about their right to maintain boundaries
An impulse to close the article and avoid thinking about it further
Insist they just haven’t met the right person yet
If I presented these patterns to my avoidant exes they’d likely scoff and deflect. My observations would become proof of my own neediness for them rather than acknowledging their role in the relationship.
(I highly recommend reading this article on attachment theory, avoidants, and anxious partners if you’re unfamiliar with any of these terms)
Early warning signs
While the early warning signs aren’t direct proof of avoidant behavior, from what I’ve seen, when I’ve gone and looked back at the avoidants I dated, they almost always shared these patterns.
1. Evasive dating history
I don’t like to get too ‘in the weeds’ on prior relationships or dating experiences with women on the first date. That’s not what we’re here for, but I find that it’s important to at least ask one of these questions,
“How’s your dating experience been so far?”
“How long have you been single” or
“When was your last relationship?”
Most importantly, if I don’t ask any of the questions above, I ask, “What are you looking for in a partner or what are your dating expectations?”
But an avoidant’s response is usually vague.
They’re typically not comfortable with emotional expression or talking about sensitive topics. So, when asked about their dating experiences or past relationships, they respond with striking vagueness.
“It was fine,” “Nothing serious really,” “I don’t know, I’m just trying to see where things go,” “Oh, haha! Yeah, my experiences have been crazy!” or “I’m just looking for my best friend, someone to share life with.”
This apparent amnesia or reluctance to open up about important life experiences masks deeper issues.
And if these responses don’t concern you or if they feel perfectly normal and acceptable, you might want to examine your own attachment style.
2. Vague, ambiguous responses to relationships and future plans
Indirect and vague responses to deeper questions will be met with deflection.
They might redirect conversations, give non-committal responses, or seem genuinely confused. You might even see the look on their face as they attempt to give you a sufficient answer.
We can’t expect a thorough “deep dive” on their relationship history or goals on the first date, but a little bit more detail than “Let’s go with the flow” is necessary.
3. The ghosts of relationships past
What gets even more interesting is if you continue to date an avoidant.
They’ll shy away from talking about their past, but in casual conversation or through more time spent together, you’ll start to get a glimpse into their past relationships.
Hell, they might even start to dredge up old relationships or exes.
That’s where you will start to learn more about them. Pay attention to what they say. You might be shocked.
Often, I’d listen to some of the partners I dated, and while they avoided initially talking about their exes, I often got the feeling they either ghosted partners or simply cut them out without any thought.
There was often a hint of accomplishment in their tone. As if their ability to abruptly disconnect was a sign of strength.
Pay crucial attention here. Often, the way in which they describe their previous relationships is a STRONG indicator of how your relationship with them will unfold or end.
The Pattern Emerges
4. The classic, insecure push-pull cycle
I have avoidant tendencies. Just because I used to date and found myself in love with avoidant, unavailable women, doesn’t mean I don’t know what it’s like to have these tendencies.
Usually insecure relationships play out this way. Anxious people get with avoidant partners. It’s the classic, push-pull paradigm that’s hard to pull away from.
But I’d go through periods where I was ‘all about a girl’ and then when the conversation got ‘serious’ — and it wasn’t always about commitment — I had a tendency to pull away or get real anxious.
So passion turned into shutting down.
This close and then distant cycle is very typical of anxious-avoidant relationships.
Sparks fly at first. The chemistry can be off the charts, but then once the honeymoon phase gradually ends and things get more real, the avoidant is apt to pump the brakes.
For them, things might be moving ‘too fast’ even though you’ve been dating for a year, and on paper, everything is going well.
Without warning, they pull back. Or in most cases, it’s a long-term, slow fade, exit left.
This isn’t just a normal relationship ebb and flow; it’s a protective mechanism triggered by growing intimacy.
5. Love bombing and future faking
Future faking is when a person makes false promises about the future you will share together… a future faker has no intention of fulfilling these promises, but wants you to believe they do.
Usually, narcissists do this, but there’s a general overlap between narcs and avoidants that can’t be denied. The narcissist’s motives come from a place of needing emotional ‘supply’ or validation, whereas, the avoidant future fakes because they get caught up in the moment.
In the whirlwind of feeling.
But here are some real-world examples I’ve experienced.
“I really want you to meet my parents.”
“We should move in together and adopt children.”
“I’m training to be your housewife.”
All this was within the first few weeks of dating.
Similarly, narcs and avoidants will love bomb you early on. They’ll shower you with praise and make you think you’re their entire world. Once, I dated a fearful avoidant who did all these little things for me.
She’d buy me dinner, stop by with Starbucks, and tell me how amazing I was in bed. She made this little trinket for me and brought over a few other things from her collection of ‘weird’ things, and I genuinely thought she cared about me.
She did, but eventually, her fears won out over any love she might have had for me.
6. Communication is sporadic, non-existent, or toxic
Similar to #4, communication between you and an avoidant might start off great.
For them, it’s like getting a shiny new toy. Maybe a new gadget. An expensive phone. I’m not saying you’re a toy to them, but for the moment they’re enamored by the allure of a new relationship.
But things won’t stay this way forever.
If you paid attention to phrases like “I just want to go with the flow” in the beginning, you might have seen this coming.
For them, going with the flow is all about it being on their terms.
Messages will grow sporadic, responses become delayed, and meaningful conversations feel increasingly one-sided. That ‘good morning’ text you might have grown accustomed to is now replaced by radio silence.
They say they’re ‘busy,’ but you know their schedule hasn’t changed. It’s just that they’ve grown bored. And sometimes, an avoidant will even initially seem like they’re ‘down in the dumps’ and they struggle to hold uplifting or positive conversations with you.
Some other common communication patterns include but are not limited to:
“I need space” and then they proceed to go out, get drunk, party with strangers, and in some cases, cheat
On occasion you’ll be on the receiving end of silent treatment or stonewalling (a highly destructive relationship behavior)
The avoidant may deflect responsibility by shifting the blame back onto you; about what you did in the past, instead of facing the uncomfortable feelings associated with personal accountability
7. Control through physical or emotional distance
They want the fun part of love and relationships without any of the drawbacks.
Avoidants maintain control by managing the ‘space’ between you and them:
(We mentioned this earlier) But they’ll deflect conversations about relationship status or other emotional ‘hot buttons’
They keep interactions surface-level (like talking about work, school, or their friends)
The avoidant shuts down, deactivates and withdraws when they feel things are getting too deep or overwhelming
Physical distance, especially, is one of their favorite ways to maintain a level of control over the relationship. What’s a better way than to keep someone out than through, literal distance?
If you’re in a long-distance relationship or have been one, I’d recommend auditing if you or your partner have strong avoidant tendencies.
Deeper Patterns
8. Commitment phobia
A couple of years ago I was seeing a girl who had strong fearful avoidant tendencies. She often hinted that she “wanted me to ask her to be her girlfriend.” Thinking it was time to put a label on it, I asked her to be mine, she agreed and about a week later, she ditched me.
As if that wasn’t a good enough teacher, another chick I was seeing way back in early spring, followed a similar pattern.
When I first met her, I asked, “Are you looking for a relationship.” Her response was rather vague, but I interpreted “I think so” as a yes.
As we got to know each other, eventually we slapped a label on this relationship (in hindsight it was really just a situationship). But… about a week later she said,
“I don’t want you to think of me as your girlfriend. I just want you to think of me as your (her name).”
It was rather confusing and hurtful. But avoidants are naturally afraid of labeling things, because with commitment, there are unspoken expectations. There’s no easy escape.
When the relationship is vague and undefined they always have a possible exit strategy. But marriage? Moving in together? Having children? Those all imply a lot more than they’re capable of dealing with.
So at the end of the day, the mere mention of labels sends them into analytical overdrive.
9. Overthinking and analyzing every little thing
Anxiety is not only a by-product of over thinking, but it feeds into it. Avoidants often intellectualize their emotions.
Due to the very nature of avoidant attachment, children who develop these tendencies never had adequate help from adults in navigating their emotional landscape.
Thus, as adults, they find that feeling — and I mean that literally — their emotions (the bodily sensations) are often too scary or overwhelming.
Like a crucial conversation about the future of the relationship can actually be too much for them to handle. I know this because even with myself, I tend to choke up when I have to ‘tell someone like it is.’
My throat constricts, my body tenses up, and frankly, it’s the equivalent of being constipated (but emotionally).
So, for the avoidant, it’s safer and easier for them to think about their feelings. They’d rather consider all the logistical details than go with their intuition.
Or in their day-to-day lives, they might dwell on an issue for days. And this becomes analysis-paralysis.
Instead of making a decision and course-correcting later, they get caught up in anxiety, can’t get anything done, and then make a poor decision based on overthinking.
10. The façade of ‘easy-going’
There’s nothing wrong with being low-maintenance or drama-free.
Personally, I prefer that over all this extra bullshit I might have to deal with in a partner (like excessive, heated arguments, petty squabbles, or a bunch of activities to keep them entertained), but there’s this thing called ‘too much of a good thing.’
However, the avoidant has a core wound around shame. Since they have a fear of being ‘not good enough’ (or in one example, being an ‘asshole’), they’ll often tiptoe around relationships.
And we call that people-pleasing.
They’ll mask their true desires and instead say yes to everything and never argue. For a time, this might seem spectacular. You’ve got a partner who never argues, never fusses about anything, and ‘goes with the flow.’
But deep down, they’re keeping score and holding resentments against you.
Every time you give them an opportunity to pick a restaurant, they say “I’m fine with whatever.” Despite having had 147 opportunities to mention they actually prefer pizza, they explode one night about how much they hate Thai food.
On a more serious note, avoiding even minor disagreements is not something you should ignore.
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Uncanny insights into my relationship with an avoidant, which just ended. Everything on point, like the inability to describe what kind of relationship we had after one year.
I sometimes felt like a lion tamer. Exciting to be with an unpredictable creature when together, but you never knew what it was thinking when your back was turned.