The Secret to Understanding the Avoidant’s Non-verbal Communication Patterns
Conventional relationship advice assumes they don’t communicate (but they do)
When I mean ‘communication,’ I’m referring to the type of discussions that go beyond safe or predictable avenues many couples may fail to break free of in the earlier phases of dating and relationships.
I’m talking about real transparency that inherently brings with it, the risk of rejection.
DAs seem like they don’t because they rarely speak up, avoid confrontation, or seem to go with the flow.
But here’s the bizarre thing. They do communicate, just not with you, or at least, not the real you.
For them, communication happens in their heads, and that’s what makes it so toxic.
The illusion of a secure attachment style
Without getting into too much technical jargon, dismissive avoidance is a way to describe a collection of behavioral patterns often seen in relationships, and to some degree, friendships and familial bonds.
For a deeper discussion on attachment theory and avoidance, read here.
Why We Love (and Struggle) the Way We Do
Unaddressed attachment wounds will dictate the course of your relationships.
In short, dismissive avoidants can look cool, calm, and collected.
They’re masters at seeming grounded, secure, or self-sufficient. But underneath the surface, their self-esteem is fragile.
In the early stages of a relationship, you might not even spot their insecurities. But if you look a bit closer, you may notice a certain heaviness in their energy. Like the spark in their eyes is gone.
We’ll get to why this is in a moment, and it will make a lot of sense.
But for now, just know they might seem more emotionally available than they actually are. This façade can’t last forever. As time goes on, the cracks start to show.
They rarely disagree with you
They might never argue
At first, their easy-going nature might seem like a breath of fresh air for those who dealt with argumentative partners before, but at the end of the day, they’re just just avoiding conflict.
The avoidant cycle of silence
There’s a pattern many dismissive avoidants follow in relationships:
Compromise: They say ‘yes’ to things they don’t actually want to do. They agree to avoid conflict, even when it’s against their desires or values.
Suffer in silence: Over time, they start building resentment toward their partner. They don’t voice their frustrations, assuming their partner should just know what’s wrong.
Explode or disengage: Depending on the person, this may vary. Eventually, they reach a breaking point. Sometimes, it’s an outburst of anger. Other times, they slowly emotionally disengage or abruptly leave the relationship altogether.
It’s easy to misunderstand this behavior as being low conflict or calm under pressure, but it’s a dangerous front. The DA assumes their partner is a mind reader, which creates a toxic feedback loop.
The savior role and its baffling payoff
As I’ve seen, dismissive avoidants often take on a ‘savior’ role in their relationships. We might think this behavior is exclusive to anxious partners. But it’s not.
Yes, the anxious-preoccupied individual feels a need to fix or chase their partners, but for the DA, it’s a form of control.
By staying in control, they can protect themselves emotionally. This kind of stuff can be real fucking confusing because it’s hard to argue against generosity or selflessness. Particularly in a relationship.
But there’s a toxic undercurrent to this dynamic.
For DAs, being the savior gives them a sense of superiority.
It puts them in a position to be the stable, grounded one while slowly and subtly invalidating their partner’s needs or emotions.
As I’ve written about before, by focusing on others, trying to fix them, or meddling in everyone’s business, they’re able to avoid confronting their own vulnerability or shortcomings.
For example, a common thing children who come from abusive or neglectful homes, they experience some form of parentification.
They end up having to look after a sibling while ignoring their own needs. For the DA, they learn, that love is about caretaking and not connection.
Here’s the confusing part of all this.
This dynamic gives DAs a toxic kind of payoff.
By being the savior, they get to maintain emotional distance. They can rationalize their emotional unavailability by telling themselves, “I’m already doing so much for this person; they can’t ask for more.”
Like I said, they can keep control while avoiding true intimacy.
And what’s even more disheartening is the savior role often feeds into their need for independence. They can use it as justification for ending a relationship if their partner becomes ‘too needy.’
The mind-reading phenomenon
Earlier I mentioned the heaviness and the lack of spark in their eyes. I haven’t forgotten about this, because it directly ties into the main point of all this.
Most of us live in our heads. And if you pay close enough attention it’s evident in the eyes. There’s a lack of life or vitality.
They’ll appear distant or almost glazed over.
It hints at the internal dialogue they’re lost in. Or perhaps the internal struggle you’re in.
Overthinking is heavy and is accompanied by the tug of war-between thoughts, feelings, and unprocessed emotions.
Many people think way too much, ruminate, and spend excessive amounts of their day planning for things. Dismissive avoidants are no different.
So what happens is, in a relationship, they assume their thoughts are obvious to their partners because they feel so real to them. As an example, about a year ago I once went into a pub by myself.
I was trying to get used to ‘being on my own’ and as sad as it sounds, I was learning to reintegrate myself into socializing. Even if it just meant sitting in a crowded room and drinking a beer.
As I sat there drinking, I was completely in my head, worrying about what everyone around me thought of me. I was convinced they were staring at me or judging me for being by myself.
(Because in all honesty, who goes to the bar by themselves these days?)
I was hyper-aware of myself. But here’s the truth: no one cared. No one said shit to me.
Dismissive avoidants do the same thing in relationships.
They have entire conversations in their heads about the compromises they’ve made, the things they’re unhappy about, or what they think their partner should be doing differently.
But these thoughts never leave their minds. To their partner, everything seems fine — until it’s not.
The classic, blindsiding avoidant breakup
As all this resentment piles up, they will continue to go along with the relationship. Unfortunately, this can go on for months, years, and even decades.
And when a dismissive avoidant decides to leave a relationship, it often feels sudden and shocking to their partner. But for the DA, it’s been building for a long time.
I remember one breakup where the word “second chances” came up.
My partner said she had given me ‘second chances, third chances, and so on.’ In fact, she seemed confused and frustrated that I felt angry that she thought non-verbal, subtle communication was good enough.
There was never a point where direct, clear-cut boundaries were established in that relationship.
None of her frustrations were ever communicated. Not only the end. She thought her crying or emotional distress was enough to communicate how she felt.
To me, the relationship wasn’t doing well, but not as bad as it seemed to her. For her, it was already over.
She had been silently planning her exit strategy for a little while, and when she finally left, it was like a stab to the gut. It was like all the control and autonomy over my own life was taken.
I never had the chance to address the issues until it was too late.
Later, I saw a Facebook post she had shared before the breakup: “Just because someone hurts you doesn’t mean you have the right to hurt them.”
Final thoughts,
The dismissive-avoidant isn’t intentionally toxic, but their communication style — or lack thereof — creates a toxic environment.
Suffering in silence isn’t communication. And it’s not heroic or noble. It’s a slow poison that erodes the foundation of any relationship.
Understanding this dynamic is the first step to breaking free from it. If you find yourself in a relationship with a DA, remember, their silence isn’t your responsibility to fix.
True communication is about transparency and ultimately requires verbal communication.
(If you need help communicating or setting boundaries with avoidants, I’d suggest reading my 9-page pdf on cultivating awareness and setting boundaries in relationships that you can download here.)
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